and it rained, and rained....drip, drip, drip....
As you may know, there has been an ongoing "challenge" with my studio roof! Been replaced, repaired, repeated...well, today, in the drizzle a new company came, and worked and worked....and did not stop...finally, even as the drizzle turned to rain, the roof appears to be non-leaky!
As they struggled, I pulled weeds..got wet, loved every second of it! Love the rain! And my weeds are nicely growing. I love the variety that keeps popping up, they are so very different, interesting and determined to grow. What a lesson to learn, and yes, the bottle barrier is keeping the insects away without any chemicals.
Roofers coming back tomorrow to check and see if holding and seal final coat...pray is does and this to shall move to the done done, done category.
On other fronts, things starting to be done, done, done!!! My self imposed goal date in September 28, for all elements to be in play.
Personal quest continues, and appears to be moving in right direction, finally! Know that this is the leading of my God.
Government details, details, date, and repeat...however, I am a warrior, and know I have the determination to last the good fight...things are getting lighter, and brighter..
And, score at half time: wrought iron 0, MAC 14---game delayed because of heavy rain this afternoon, so more to follow...I am learning I do NOT like painting, but will persist...and trying to paint in the rain is not a really great idea. Just keep moving!
Amazing, now I see that small porch floor needs attention, and house needs painting, and....etc., etc. Interesting how one thing always leads to another revelation. So very true in all I do, so decided to try and just enjoy this ride!
Morning meditation words of day: put it in a box...or get a box...interesting, but worked out that way.
Peace with sufficiency....Mac
Friday, September 19, 2014
3:35 am...all is well
3:35 am and all is "well"
Long storyline... longer week. Sufficient energy to do all that must be done, however finding that...ready for it....life is complicated, and although I profess freedom and self sufficiency, I am dependent upon the many and I am not always free to do that which my head speaks, or my heart speaks, or my profession speaks, or my history mandates....things will settle down, and life is always a joy...so much better than the alternative.
As my daddy told me, "the ox is in the ditch..now get it out"
May all know I wish no harm, only peace, prevailing winds, and patience...and blissful rest for the weary, hope for the oppressed and predictions that persist. Peace and love. Mac
Long storyline... longer week. Sufficient energy to do all that must be done, however finding that...ready for it....life is complicated, and although I profess freedom and self sufficiency, I am dependent upon the many and I am not always free to do that which my head speaks, or my heart speaks, or my profession speaks, or my history mandates....things will settle down, and life is always a joy...so much better than the alternative.
As my daddy told me, "the ox is in the ditch..now get it out"
May all know I wish no harm, only peace, prevailing winds, and patience...and blissful rest for the weary, hope for the oppressed and predictions that persist. Peace and love. Mac
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Rain, glorious rain..loving my life!!!
What a great day! This day has been VERY interesting, and if you are from the south, you know what I mean! And did not have a Crowder fit.....again, you have to be one, to know what it mean!!!! <lol>
In my quest: sorting, organizing, repurposing, donating, I got deep into a closet, things that have merely been moved time and time again, without any focus. Removed cleaning and laundry wraps from 1990 to 2004, yep, could not believe it either! And, I just had to go through the pockets...why or why?
Well, no secrets, right, just history..and glad I learned more..now all gone, and grateful I discovered before donation. Bet the reaction of church ladies would have been interesting!!!
No hard feeling, just a shock, an awe, and then the challenge of disposal...burn, shred, trash...of no value to anyone...and very ancient history,,and now, this evening that history has been placed into history file, never to be discussed or shared....and has received an appropriate ritual removal from the house.
As my dear Aunt Lora would say..just bless their soul, they are so special!
No harsh thoughts, no harsh feelings, forgiveness and thanksgiving for all that happens and has happened! And all that has been revealed! Like I always told PC, we all have a history.
Time is helping the tissues heal, and so happy I did not attempt this effort before now! Actually, after reflection, got a few great laughs from the findings!
May your pieces, especially the vintage ones, find a useful place, with the past finding a new focus and lead you into more peace, patience, and pride.
peace....piecing now to start anew, hopefully tomorrow!!!!
I feel a great work evolving!!!!watch out!!!
Mac
In my quest: sorting, organizing, repurposing, donating, I got deep into a closet, things that have merely been moved time and time again, without any focus. Removed cleaning and laundry wraps from 1990 to 2004, yep, could not believe it either! And, I just had to go through the pockets...why or why?
Well, no secrets, right, just history..and glad I learned more..now all gone, and grateful I discovered before donation. Bet the reaction of church ladies would have been interesting!!!
No hard feeling, just a shock, an awe, and then the challenge of disposal...burn, shred, trash...of no value to anyone...and very ancient history,,and now, this evening that history has been placed into history file, never to be discussed or shared....and has received an appropriate ritual removal from the house.
As my dear Aunt Lora would say..just bless their soul, they are so special!
No harsh thoughts, no harsh feelings, forgiveness and thanksgiving for all that happens and has happened! And all that has been revealed! Like I always told PC, we all have a history.
Time is helping the tissues heal, and so happy I did not attempt this effort before now! Actually, after reflection, got a few great laughs from the findings!
May your pieces, especially the vintage ones, find a useful place, with the past finding a new focus and lead you into more peace, patience, and pride.
peace....piecing now to start anew, hopefully tomorrow!!!!
I feel a great work evolving!!!!watch out!!!
Mac
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Just another sleepless night!
Wednesday, September 10,
Abit after 5 am, no sleep tonight. Seems like my body just wants to keep moving, brain in gear, and when I accepted I might need to take melatonin for sleep, saw it already after 3 am, so too late. Instead I meditated and tried to focus on all the gratitude I have in my life.
Have you ever tried to do something and had to admit, grudgingly, that it was not within your limitation and/or capacities? Well, this happened multiple times today, so that is now on my gratitude list...I can not do all that I want, as quickly and efficiently as I want, and sadly am dependent upon others to help....not a bad thing, but when it involves moving heavy furniture over a six inch lift...not possible. I tried and tried, then accepted....leave it alone! Maybe God's special way of letting me be reminded to "let go" and "let it be"?
Why are the nights so long and the days so short? This is a question for profound philosophers, not this humble Southern belle! I expect to actually see the dawn'a light this morning, a rare sight for me, and a gift from above...add that to list.
Been reading about different religious beliefs this night. And I know, this is a most unusual but useful fact finding quest. Amazing...God created all of us, and then we struggle with each other, with difference in beliefs and practices, and proclaim that we are right and others are wrong....
As a youth, long ago, I remember an experience when, at a church summer camp, the clergy staff got together, to speak and pray for me, to save my soul, since I had pierced earrings, wore makeup, and seemed to be happy....they prayed and prayed. I knelt in reference to GOD and listened, to that small voice inside me, telling me not to judge them , they were trying to do what they felt was right! yes, this may seem unusual, if so, you do not really know me.
My parents, ordained ministers of the
fundamentalist church camp I was in attendance, had allowed me the earrings, the makeup, and the confidence to be happy within myself....for them, I shall always be grateful.
daddy always told me, do not judge others, let GOD do that, and HE will. I was taught, and still believe strongly that each person must account for their actions, and will be "accountable" according to their spiritual path, to their own discernment.
Wow what an unusual thought path tonight..and I KNOW, I just KNOW that this is my path, my gift from above. And I am struggling to live up to this expectation. For I know I shall be "judged" and do not want to be found lacking....sounds like my mother speaking now!
I really do miss my dad, he passed into heaven a few years ago, but in times like this, I hear his wisdom and teachings. I sure was a challenge, I am sure, to him and mom, however we all survived to tell the tale! Only wish I had told him more often how much I admired and did learn from him and mom.
You see, I was encouraged to explore many thoughts, to question and learn any and all things of interest, just to stay on the good/GOD side of my quest. Nothing was off limits, academically, spiritually, emotionally, socially..well, some things were..but this was the general idea.
I remember sitting at the dinner table, after eating as a family, and asking questions, searching the
Bible, researching different commentary explanations, even the encyclopedia at times, to learn of differences in culture, religion, beliefs, spirituality, etc. What a blessing and how very open and understanding it was. Well, this is my story, and I am sticking to it!
My very traditional, conservative parents raised a liberal free-thinker, believer...they even sent me to a liberal college, knowing that this would only help me learn more about myself and my faith, where I was the only one of my denomination on the campus....
What a roller coaster....and daily I think, "do not judge, do not....or you will be judged"..this does it for me....and it does NOT mean that standards/values/convictions/ethical codes do not exist within...just have learned that many people expect me to comply with their idea of me and what I should or should not do or be, and I stand accountable to only one Higher Power!
Amazing, really did some serious soul searching tonight, and prayer deep within to hear that little voice that tells me when things are right and when I need to continue my development..so off I go. Almost dawn, so think I shall make some decaf...the point I ask myself!...and open the front blinds and watch the rays of the sun come over my world,
At peace, but still cannot bring myself to piece here at home yet....will have to explore what that is about another time...
May peace prevail and starch of initial application in faith and spirit, remain firmly applied, and ironed with care and loving thoughts. Macs
Abit after 5 am, no sleep tonight. Seems like my body just wants to keep moving, brain in gear, and when I accepted I might need to take melatonin for sleep, saw it already after 3 am, so too late. Instead I meditated and tried to focus on all the gratitude I have in my life.
Have you ever tried to do something and had to admit, grudgingly, that it was not within your limitation and/or capacities? Well, this happened multiple times today, so that is now on my gratitude list...I can not do all that I want, as quickly and efficiently as I want, and sadly am dependent upon others to help....not a bad thing, but when it involves moving heavy furniture over a six inch lift...not possible. I tried and tried, then accepted....leave it alone! Maybe God's special way of letting me be reminded to "let go" and "let it be"?
Why are the nights so long and the days so short? This is a question for profound philosophers, not this humble Southern belle! I expect to actually see the dawn'a light this morning, a rare sight for me, and a gift from above...add that to list.
Been reading about different religious beliefs this night. And I know, this is a most unusual but useful fact finding quest. Amazing...God created all of us, and then we struggle with each other, with difference in beliefs and practices, and proclaim that we are right and others are wrong....
As a youth, long ago, I remember an experience when, at a church summer camp, the clergy staff got together, to speak and pray for me, to save my soul, since I had pierced earrings, wore makeup, and seemed to be happy....they prayed and prayed. I knelt in reference to GOD and listened, to that small voice inside me, telling me not to judge them , they were trying to do what they felt was right! yes, this may seem unusual, if so, you do not really know me.
My parents, ordained ministers of the
fundamentalist church camp I was in attendance, had allowed me the earrings, the makeup, and the confidence to be happy within myself....for them, I shall always be grateful.
daddy always told me, do not judge others, let GOD do that, and HE will. I was taught, and still believe strongly that each person must account for their actions, and will be "accountable" according to their spiritual path, to their own discernment.
Wow what an unusual thought path tonight..and I KNOW, I just KNOW that this is my path, my gift from above. And I am struggling to live up to this expectation. For I know I shall be "judged" and do not want to be found lacking....sounds like my mother speaking now!
I really do miss my dad, he passed into heaven a few years ago, but in times like this, I hear his wisdom and teachings. I sure was a challenge, I am sure, to him and mom, however we all survived to tell the tale! Only wish I had told him more often how much I admired and did learn from him and mom.
You see, I was encouraged to explore many thoughts, to question and learn any and all things of interest, just to stay on the good/GOD side of my quest. Nothing was off limits, academically, spiritually, emotionally, socially..well, some things were..but this was the general idea.
I remember sitting at the dinner table, after eating as a family, and asking questions, searching the
Bible, researching different commentary explanations, even the encyclopedia at times, to learn of differences in culture, religion, beliefs, spirituality, etc. What a blessing and how very open and understanding it was. Well, this is my story, and I am sticking to it!
My very traditional, conservative parents raised a liberal free-thinker, believer...they even sent me to a liberal college, knowing that this would only help me learn more about myself and my faith, where I was the only one of my denomination on the campus....
What a roller coaster....and daily I think, "do not judge, do not....or you will be judged"..this does it for me....and it does NOT mean that standards/values/convictions/ethical codes do not exist within...just have learned that many people expect me to comply with their idea of me and what I should or should not do or be, and I stand accountable to only one Higher Power!
Amazing, really did some serious soul searching tonight, and prayer deep within to hear that little voice that tells me when things are right and when I need to continue my development..so off I go. Almost dawn, so think I shall make some decaf...the point I ask myself!...and open the front blinds and watch the rays of the sun come over my world,
At peace, but still cannot bring myself to piece here at home yet....will have to explore what that is about another time...
May peace prevail and starch of initial application in faith and spirit, remain firmly applied, and ironed with care and loving thoughts. Macs
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Medications, with meditations...great piecer!
A last and oh my, where has day gone! With the artificial help of medication, Feisty (diva dog) and I slept most of day away..when not sleeping, via medications, trying to meditate, with visions of mountain stream and flowing water.
daily routine was to awake, eat, and go back to sleep. Now on a short break before bed! Such a great life!
Well, I am following medical advice...taking antibiotics, cough medicine, Zyrtec and Claritin, plus vitamin C...lots of it, and trying to shake this yuck!
I know this is allergies, but know also it is being driven by stress, believe it or not, one of the contributing factors in my allergy reactions. Yep, honest statement...for so long, I had to must "be well" that I think this is a delayed reaction....or not....
So, rest I must, and Feisty is helping me, just looked at the light and spoke to me. With her deep set eyes, said... time for bed.
So till the dawn shines beautiful rays of healing sunshine, peace with kindness, forgiveness without bias and may all your seams lie straight!
MacS
daily routine was to awake, eat, and go back to sleep. Now on a short break before bed! Such a great life!
Well, I am following medical advice...taking antibiotics, cough medicine, Zyrtec and Claritin, plus vitamin C...lots of it, and trying to shake this yuck!
I know this is allergies, but know also it is being driven by stress, believe it or not, one of the contributing factors in my allergy reactions. Yep, honest statement...for so long, I had to must "be well" that I think this is a delayed reaction....or not....
So, rest I must, and Feisty is helping me, just looked at the light and spoke to me. With her deep set eyes, said... time for bed.
So till the dawn shines beautiful rays of healing sunshine, peace with kindness, forgiveness without bias and may all your seams lie straight!
MacS
Monday, September 1, 2014
allergies, not piecing but at peace!
On the eighth day, God said...MaryAnn, pay attention to your body, you know oak trees and pollen are not good for you!
Got back home this afternoon, after seven days in Disney---Land of Magic and Memories..stayed at resort: Old Key West, love that place!
However, did NOT take enough maintenance allergy medications with me,so ran out, and the villa was a tree top level.
So drove home, carefully, with fever, chills, headache, and sweating.
Now have enough in me, but will take a few days to re-balance....and I KNOW BETTER!
Somewhere I have heard, read, and learned that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, and expecting different results...well, welcome to my state of hard lessons! Now, tonight, I doubt I can sleep, between coughing, sneezing, chills, etx. Rested all day, got my luggage and stuff into the house, but that is as far as it goes today!
No piecing tonight, but definitely at PEACE. Managed to drive to Sylvan Abbey late this afternoon, and have a long chat with PC, he reminded me to take care, and remember to be ME!
Told him about the journey/quest I have undertaken, and got thought back..I love you, do what you can to be happy! I am at PEACE!
So, nite to all, and may your pieces continue to be at peace with one another. MacS
Got back home this afternoon, after seven days in Disney---Land of Magic and Memories..stayed at resort: Old Key West, love that place!
However, did NOT take enough maintenance allergy medications with me,so ran out, and the villa was a tree top level.
So drove home, carefully, with fever, chills, headache, and sweating.
Now have enough in me, but will take a few days to re-balance....and I KNOW BETTER!
Somewhere I have heard, read, and learned that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing, and expecting different results...well, welcome to my state of hard lessons! Now, tonight, I doubt I can sleep, between coughing, sneezing, chills, etx. Rested all day, got my luggage and stuff into the house, but that is as far as it goes today!
No piecing tonight, but definitely at PEACE. Managed to drive to Sylvan Abbey late this afternoon, and have a long chat with PC, he reminded me to take care, and remember to be ME!
Told him about the journey/quest I have undertaken, and got thought back..I love you, do what you can to be happy! I am at PEACE!
So, nite to all, and may your pieces continue to be at peace with one another. MacS
Friday, August 29, 2014
August 29. 2014. Evening..."not my monkeys, not my circus".
In Old Key West, listening to happy children and families in the pool right beneath my window. What a wonderful sight and sounds. And so grateful that these are NOT my children, and NOT my problem. Saw one leap backwards into the pool, depth only 5' 7" with father encouraging him? Whew, all survived, so think I should finally take the time to update this blog.
Lots has happened, and yet it seems like nothing of relevance transpires. Did Albert Einstein truly understand the movement of time, and how we travel through time and space and it unfolds around us, through us, and within us? Amazing late night pondering.
Been on a healing quest, in search of me, a break from always being responsible and positive. Today I even got upset....yep, but not shouting!!!! As I say laughingly.
First to Houston:. To spend some needed time with my family, and also had the opportunity to celebrate with same at an amazing party for my mothers 90th birthday! She was so happy and. Y sister in law Pat did such a spectacular party, with all mom's friends invites, elegant decor, Kosher cake, pianist, servers for each table, etc. What a special day for a very special lady.
As you may or may not know, my mom is my role model. She has overcome so much, and still smiles, always finds the silver lining in any challenge that comes her way! She is the one responsible for my ability to see only what I wish to see, to believe I. The goodness of others, and when such persons may harm you, just honestly bless them, hold your head up..but walk away with dignity and peace....whew, really hard to actually accomplish, but an ideal?
Then on a long cruse, somewhere in the Caribbean. I never left the ship, however treated myself to a balcony suite, and sat for many hours and meditated, rested, slept, and repeated until we docked again in Galveston, TX. Had many hours to spend in reflection, and started my bucket list of "What I do NOT wish to do!"
Had a private memorial for PC in his thirtieth day...and I felt the clouds start to lift. Took a picture, and it now leads my path. Beautiful blue sky in coming from the left...remember I am left handed...and the rolling dark clouds starting to ascend into further heavens...and an amazing question mark, swirl, etc visible exactly in front of my view! Not a photographer, but this was for me the most inspiring and uplifting I have felt in a long long time.
Back to Houston, and spent quality time with my mom, my brother, my sister in law, my nephews and their wives and most especially my new great nephew Felix. He is the most amazing baby I have ever seen...of course, with the exception of my own son, so son, do NOT get excited, I still think you are the best!
Then home, Still attending to details, challenges with banking and flexibility, but somehow it is working. Still trying to sort out paperwork, how does it grow so fast? Even as I sort and shred? Think it is multiplying at night,
On a more serious note, as if financial realities are not serious enough, the memorial plaque is in place now for PC, labeled per his wishes with the Russian Orthodox cross, the word "GRAMPY" and a dove in flight. Sad for the reality, however it looks as he wishes.
I miss him so, but rest easier knowing now his quest in over and he rests in peace with. heavens bounds, without pain he endured.
Now off again, to return next week. I suppose. This is another period of reflection and retracing where I might have placed my happier nature. It does seem to be working.
Had several good girl friends come and stay with me in this resort, to recharge myself and thank them for all they did to help PC and me during the most difficult period of my life. Without their help, as well as the intervention of my brother I do not think I would be as hopeful and determined as I am today. t
Girls
Lots has happened, and yet it seems like nothing of relevance transpires. Did Albert Einstein truly understand the movement of time, and how we travel through time and space and it unfolds around us, through us, and within us? Amazing late night pondering.
Been on a healing quest, in search of me, a break from always being responsible and positive. Today I even got upset....yep, but not shouting!!!! As I say laughingly.
First to Houston:. To spend some needed time with my family, and also had the opportunity to celebrate with same at an amazing party for my mothers 90th birthday! She was so happy and. Y sister in law Pat did such a spectacular party, with all mom's friends invites, elegant decor, Kosher cake, pianist, servers for each table, etc. What a special day for a very special lady.
As you may or may not know, my mom is my role model. She has overcome so much, and still smiles, always finds the silver lining in any challenge that comes her way! She is the one responsible for my ability to see only what I wish to see, to believe I. The goodness of others, and when such persons may harm you, just honestly bless them, hold your head up..but walk away with dignity and peace....whew, really hard to actually accomplish, but an ideal?
Then on a long cruse, somewhere in the Caribbean. I never left the ship, however treated myself to a balcony suite, and sat for many hours and meditated, rested, slept, and repeated until we docked again in Galveston, TX. Had many hours to spend in reflection, and started my bucket list of "What I do NOT wish to do!"
Had a private memorial for PC in his thirtieth day...and I felt the clouds start to lift. Took a picture, and it now leads my path. Beautiful blue sky in coming from the left...remember I am left handed...and the rolling dark clouds starting to ascend into further heavens...and an amazing question mark, swirl, etc visible exactly in front of my view! Not a photographer, but this was for me the most inspiring and uplifting I have felt in a long long time.
Back to Houston, and spent quality time with my mom, my brother, my sister in law, my nephews and their wives and most especially my new great nephew Felix. He is the most amazing baby I have ever seen...of course, with the exception of my own son, so son, do NOT get excited, I still think you are the best!
Then home, Still attending to details, challenges with banking and flexibility, but somehow it is working. Still trying to sort out paperwork, how does it grow so fast? Even as I sort and shred? Think it is multiplying at night,
On a more serious note, as if financial realities are not serious enough, the memorial plaque is in place now for PC, labeled per his wishes with the Russian Orthodox cross, the word "GRAMPY" and a dove in flight. Sad for the reality, however it looks as he wishes.
I miss him so, but rest easier knowing now his quest in over and he rests in peace with. heavens bounds, without pain he endured.
Now off again, to return next week. I suppose. This is another period of reflection and retracing where I might have placed my happier nature. It does seem to be working.
Had several good girl friends come and stay with me in this resort, to recharge myself and thank them for all they did to help PC and me during the most difficult period of my life. Without their help, as well as the intervention of my brother I do not think I would be as hopeful and determined as I am today. t
Girls
piece, peace, random crazy quiltmaking
Late night, August 29, 2014
Love this quote, attributed to a old polish idiom: NOT MY MONKEYS! NOT MY CIRCUS!"
-- six weeks, but slowly and surely regaining my pieces and peace. Will post photo of this personal journey when I complete this phase of gathering and peace/peace seeking!
Amazingly, I was gifted a shoebox of 2 inch squares, and they are slowly coming together, just like I pray my pieces come together, last and align as well.
Piece with peace, and prevailing color ways come your way
MacS
Love this quote, attributed to a old polish idiom: NOT MY MONKEYS! NOT MY CIRCUS!"
-- six weeks, but slowly and surely regaining my pieces and peace. Will post photo of this personal journey when I complete this phase of gathering and peace/peace seeking!
Amazingly, I was gifted a shoebox of 2 inch squares, and they are slowly coming together, just like I pray my pieces come together, last and align as well.
Piece with peace, and prevailing color ways come your way
MacS
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Happy Birthday, Nikoli, my Prince Charming
Thursday, early morning, July 10, 2014
Happy birthday, PC, may you rest in peace and in the arms of our loving God and family that were waiting for you. Know that it empty here, without your amazing presence, and that your spirit and love lives on!
I shall visit your crypt tomorrow, but already know your spirit has departed. I just need to pray and talk some things over with your wisdom and gain from your wisdom. Please help me remain true to the promises made and are being kept thus far.. Some people do not understand your final wishes, and are atruggling with same, as you taught me....not my monkeys and nmy circus....so strange that that is a Polish proverb and now seems to be everywhere I look!
My life and energy was so intertwined with you, I feel every breathe and beating of our spirit in the house and in your things. I hold your favorite pillow just to feel closer to you, and it still has a faint smell of your presence.
I know you are protecting me and giving me the strength that appears to be holding me up, it sure isn't by my power alone! Some see me as weak, troubled, feeble, unable to think, and I feel you lifting me up to stand of my feet, life my shoulders high and just BE ME! Amazing. I'm not afraid anymore of somethings.. It I can manage through this, I believe I can do anything I know you would support..
Fragments starting to fit into some order, pieces and memories help bind the ragged edges and steam the wonky spots with tears and sunny Florida July humid weather. Know you are safe, without pain, and surrounded by love and peace. That helps me go on.
I await....and remember what you asked me, and shall always abide by these wishes. Time does not heal wounds, it allows scar tissue to hold the elements together, thereby allowing sanity and safety for all. My pieces await your smiling face!
As the business of all this is done, I am going to Houston for mom's 90th birthday. What a joy to celebrate with my family and meet Felix for the first time. You will be with me, and do not fear the flight, I will sit by the window!!! And hold your armrest as before.
Love you for all eternity..and beyond...
MacS
Happy birthday, PC, may you rest in peace and in the arms of our loving God and family that were waiting for you. Know that it empty here, without your amazing presence, and that your spirit and love lives on!
I shall visit your crypt tomorrow, but already know your spirit has departed. I just need to pray and talk some things over with your wisdom and gain from your wisdom. Please help me remain true to the promises made and are being kept thus far.. Some people do not understand your final wishes, and are atruggling with same, as you taught me....not my monkeys and nmy circus....so strange that that is a Polish proverb and now seems to be everywhere I look!
My life and energy was so intertwined with you, I feel every breathe and beating of our spirit in the house and in your things. I hold your favorite pillow just to feel closer to you, and it still has a faint smell of your presence.
I know you are protecting me and giving me the strength that appears to be holding me up, it sure isn't by my power alone! Some see me as weak, troubled, feeble, unable to think, and I feel you lifting me up to stand of my feet, life my shoulders high and just BE ME! Amazing. I'm not afraid anymore of somethings.. It I can manage through this, I believe I can do anything I know you would support..
Fragments starting to fit into some order, pieces and memories help bind the ragged edges and steam the wonky spots with tears and sunny Florida July humid weather. Know you are safe, without pain, and surrounded by love and peace. That helps me go on.
I await....and remember what you asked me, and shall always abide by these wishes. Time does not heal wounds, it allows scar tissue to hold the elements together, thereby allowing sanity and safety for all. My pieces await your smiling face!
As the business of all this is done, I am going to Houston for mom's 90th birthday. What a joy to celebrate with my family and meet Felix for the first time. You will be with me, and do not fear the flight, I will sit by the window!!! And hold your armrest as before.
Love you for all eternity..and beyond...
MacS
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Day by day, minute by minute
Of all the days since my PC went to join the other saints and angels, this has been the hardest for me. No clear reason. Moments of ok, then sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow this evening.
I am OK, no fear, I will survive this, just feel really empty and missing him.
Heard his voice a few times reminding me to take care of the dog, get the mail, etc.
Even made it to quilting group this afternoon. Thankfully, the group was small today and focused on organizing...which, if you know me, does make me happy!..so our room looks nicer.
Came home, and just cried, and cried. Feisty stuck right beside me, I need to do this, and I shall finish my mission in this lifetime.
I meditated, and the words of a verse from a hymn sung many years ago in the church of my youth kept surfacing, so here it is, gender-modified:
When she first began her warfare,
Many said, she will run away!
But they all have been mistaken,
For in the fight she is today!
I love Jesus, he is my saviour,
I love Jesus, yes I do!
I love Jesus, Hallelujah, all who love the Savior come!
Have not heard this in many years, just needed it today I guess.
Attempted to quilt some, but just could not..last things I made were the memory squares for his memorial. Must not be time yet.
Well, my pieces are soggy, yet my peace withstands, need to apply heavier starch in the morn to make it another day!
Macs
I am OK, no fear, I will survive this, just feel really empty and missing him.
Heard his voice a few times reminding me to take care of the dog, get the mail, etc.
Even made it to quilting group this afternoon. Thankfully, the group was small today and focused on organizing...which, if you know me, does make me happy!..so our room looks nicer.
Came home, and just cried, and cried. Feisty stuck right beside me, I need to do this, and I shall finish my mission in this lifetime.
I meditated, and the words of a verse from a hymn sung many years ago in the church of my youth kept surfacing, so here it is, gender-modified:
When she first began her warfare,
Many said, she will run away!
But they all have been mistaken,
For in the fight she is today!
I love Jesus, he is my saviour,
I love Jesus, yes I do!
I love Jesus, Hallelujah, all who love the Savior come!
Have not heard this in many years, just needed it today I guess.
Attempted to quilt some, but just could not..last things I made were the memory squares for his memorial. Must not be time yet.
Well, my pieces are soggy, yet my peace withstands, need to apply heavier starch in the morn to make it another day!
Macs
Monday, July 7, 2014
Trying to find the lost pieces
It has been a very emotional time, last week or days. Cannot even remember. Many details have just gotten lost somewhere in my tearful being. Heard long time ago, sometimes you just have to "act as if" and keep doing the next right thing.
Well, this is not always easy, I am so left handed, that many times going right is contrary to my understanding, having had to adjust my whole life, I am somewhat uncomfortably comfortable in the right world!
PC has found his pain free existence, I am left with the fond memories and trying to gather the strength to be as strong as everyone seems to think I am. People tell me I am doing well, but inside I still shake. The torn spot of connection to my PC is still sore and raw. The effort required to do simple things leaves me exhausted.
His internment and memorial service was planned according to his wishes. He wanted to be in sunny Florida, above the water line. That was done, and he wanted a separate memorial service, done. It incorporated elements at his request.. The Rose, Harbor Lights, Ave Maria, somehow it worked, as only Nikoli, PC, could have envisioned it.
I know he was there, sitting with me and his family, holding my shoulder and saying stop crying, I hate tears!!!!
This little house seems so empty now, no noise of his oxygen tank, no humming of air machines. The alarms in my iPad to administer his medications are still in place. Just can not let that go yet.
The stillness and quiet is both a solitude and reminder of the value of each second of life. I remember his last words to me, before he could no longer speak was a quiet "I love you".
Dear friends have surrounded me, comforted and held me, and understood when I just needed to be still and quiet..today, I decided it is time to be, just be.
Did managed to get dressed. Walked the dog multiple times, pulled a couple of weeds, and watched his favorite Judge Judy show. Now just going to meditate, and try to calm down. Even ate today, so as I would tell others, be proud of small accomplishments, so I am proud.
Help me find the strength to now do the busy work, the business of going on.
May your pieces not be lost to you, and may you find peace within.
Macs
Well, this is not always easy, I am so left handed, that many times going right is contrary to my understanding, having had to adjust my whole life, I am somewhat uncomfortably comfortable in the right world!
PC has found his pain free existence, I am left with the fond memories and trying to gather the strength to be as strong as everyone seems to think I am. People tell me I am doing well, but inside I still shake. The torn spot of connection to my PC is still sore and raw. The effort required to do simple things leaves me exhausted.
His internment and memorial service was planned according to his wishes. He wanted to be in sunny Florida, above the water line. That was done, and he wanted a separate memorial service, done. It incorporated elements at his request.. The Rose, Harbor Lights, Ave Maria, somehow it worked, as only Nikoli, PC, could have envisioned it.
I know he was there, sitting with me and his family, holding my shoulder and saying stop crying, I hate tears!!!!
This little house seems so empty now, no noise of his oxygen tank, no humming of air machines. The alarms in my iPad to administer his medications are still in place. Just can not let that go yet.
The stillness and quiet is both a solitude and reminder of the value of each second of life. I remember his last words to me, before he could no longer speak was a quiet "I love you".
Dear friends have surrounded me, comforted and held me, and understood when I just needed to be still and quiet..today, I decided it is time to be, just be.
Did managed to get dressed. Walked the dog multiple times, pulled a couple of weeds, and watched his favorite Judge Judy show. Now just going to meditate, and try to calm down. Even ate today, so as I would tell others, be proud of small accomplishments, so I am proud.
Help me find the strength to now do the busy work, the business of going on.
May your pieces not be lost to you, and may you find peace within.
Macs
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Empty
June 30. Late Sunday night
Hard day and tried to be brave and strong, and channel the strength and fortitude of Cinderella as her life took many twists and turns, then PC came and they lived happily ever after......
Think I need to write a sequel. And YES we did live happily ever after and I shall love PC for eternality and beyond!
Now details, there is a website on legacy.com, then you must search within that site, enter his name and you will find information, kindly started by my daughter-in-law Carolyn. There you may leave journal messages, memories and thoughts you wish to share.
I wrote his obituary this afternoon, and cried through every word, had to keep leaving computer to do something else, but finally got it in draft. My brother is here, helping hold me together, reminding me to breathe and sent the draft to his son to review, edit, etc. and now think after a final read in morning, it will be ready for publication. I found a picture of him smiling, and now it is posted also.
Also, Sylvan Abbey has posted his information for details.
Internment at Sylvan Abbey Mausoleum, Sunset Point Road, Clearwater at 10:00 am in Thursday. July 3; with military honors, followed by a memorial mass/service at St. John's Episcopal Church, Clearwater 11:30 am, luncheon following. This will be a celebration of his joy and life.
I would appreciate, if at all possible you could come and help me honor PC one last moment in our eternity, especially at the church. I come from a small biological family, and have built you, my family, here in this community.
Peace. Mac
Hard day and tried to be brave and strong, and channel the strength and fortitude of Cinderella as her life took many twists and turns, then PC came and they lived happily ever after......
Think I need to write a sequel. And YES we did live happily ever after and I shall love PC for eternality and beyond!
Now details, there is a website on legacy.com, then you must search within that site, enter his name and you will find information, kindly started by my daughter-in-law Carolyn. There you may leave journal messages, memories and thoughts you wish to share.
I wrote his obituary this afternoon, and cried through every word, had to keep leaving computer to do something else, but finally got it in draft. My brother is here, helping hold me together, reminding me to breathe and sent the draft to his son to review, edit, etc. and now think after a final read in morning, it will be ready for publication. I found a picture of him smiling, and now it is posted also.
Also, Sylvan Abbey has posted his information for details.
Internment at Sylvan Abbey Mausoleum, Sunset Point Road, Clearwater at 10:00 am in Thursday. July 3; with military honors, followed by a memorial mass/service at St. John's Episcopal Church, Clearwater 11:30 am, luncheon following. This will be a celebration of his joy and life.
I would appreciate, if at all possible you could come and help me honor PC one last moment in our eternity, especially at the church. I come from a small biological family, and have built you, my family, here in this community.
Peace. Mac
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Assembly and details to follow day 7954
Sunday, June 29, 2014
On yesterday, June 28, PC transitioned peacefully to rest in the care and loving arms of his God and his faith surrounding him.
Now, without clear directions written, only guided by faith, friends and my community, I have entered an new world, trying to piece together the complications and challenges of merging pieces with wishes, pieces with bias, pieces with history than needs honoring, and most importantly peace with God and the wishes of my charming prince.
Through the help of the SunCoast Hospice. was able to obtain the last rights service from a
Russian Orthodox Church. Father Igor came, and conducted, in Russian, the mass for the departing.
It was beautiful, even as I stood, appropriately dressed in long skirt out of deep respect for their tradition and prayed for PC's peace. During the service, the ceremony, ritual robes, an associated miscellaneous ritual items, PC was peaceful. He appeared to relax and his face return to a calm stance, appeared with no pain.
Fr Igor was most gracious, and kind, even knowing I am Eposcopalian, said belief is important, and that there is only one God, practice what you believe and be true to it. Parted with offer to help me in coming weeks, months, or years if ever I needed. So kind! Nothing like I have witnessed before!
Afterwards things appeared to be a blur for me, sorry. His rapid decline was peaceful and calm. My friend came to stay with me, at Hospice, a promise she made Nick and I over seven years ago, while my little sis, DB, took the responsibility to caring for Diva Feisty.
Although this may not seem important, Feisty represents the love and companionship of my present life, and her dedication to PC was witnessed by all as she would sit by him hours after hour trying to make him better.
I have been a nervous wreck, and would not have expected this. I was told, repeatedly the last nine plus years, that PC would pass, guess I got so used to it, did not really believe it in my mind, only my soul. Felt it happening, as two of my friends were with me here at the house, had unbelievable feeling of separation, like something was pulling, slowly away, around 11:00 pm.
We had planned to back that night. Called PC's nurse and he said all was well at 11, , told him of my feeling and said he would keep my informed...well, he called about 7 minutes to 12 and said best to come back.
Got dress and headed out, friend drove, since I was not able, shaking and chest bone throbbing...not heart located, in center. Got there in record time, 30 minutes, and walked into his room. All leaned over to kiss him and could not feel a pulse, my chest immediately stopped throbbing, then I thought I must be mistaken , so had friend feel his other arm while I checked carotid in neck, nothing, only the flow of oxygen and the feel of his pacemaker running. She went to get CNA and RN..he had passed into heaven!
Rest in peace Prince Charming. I do and shall always love and respect you. you are one in a trillion, a man with the kindest heart and spirit I have ever known. You overcame so much in your life, and was able to smile, an infectious smile that shone like a light for all to see the real you, not the pain stricken, PTSD effected, COPA, CHF and arthritis ridden physical body.
I shall always love my Prince Charming, and always be your Cinderella.
Brother arrived tonight, so now details can be worked out. I needed family help, so thankful he volunteered. What a great southern gentlemen toss practical, logical and loving! The true deal, love you, bro.
Will let all you are interested know on arrangements.
Mac
Exist
On yesterday, June 28, PC transitioned peacefully to rest in the care and loving arms of his God and his faith surrounding him.
Now, without clear directions written, only guided by faith, friends and my community, I have entered an new world, trying to piece together the complications and challenges of merging pieces with wishes, pieces with bias, pieces with history than needs honoring, and most importantly peace with God and the wishes of my charming prince.
Through the help of the SunCoast Hospice. was able to obtain the last rights service from a
Russian Orthodox Church. Father Igor came, and conducted, in Russian, the mass for the departing.
It was beautiful, even as I stood, appropriately dressed in long skirt out of deep respect for their tradition and prayed for PC's peace. During the service, the ceremony, ritual robes, an associated miscellaneous ritual items, PC was peaceful. He appeared to relax and his face return to a calm stance, appeared with no pain.
Fr Igor was most gracious, and kind, even knowing I am Eposcopalian, said belief is important, and that there is only one God, practice what you believe and be true to it. Parted with offer to help me in coming weeks, months, or years if ever I needed. So kind! Nothing like I have witnessed before!
Afterwards things appeared to be a blur for me, sorry. His rapid decline was peaceful and calm. My friend came to stay with me, at Hospice, a promise she made Nick and I over seven years ago, while my little sis, DB, took the responsibility to caring for Diva Feisty.
Although this may not seem important, Feisty represents the love and companionship of my present life, and her dedication to PC was witnessed by all as she would sit by him hours after hour trying to make him better.
I have been a nervous wreck, and would not have expected this. I was told, repeatedly the last nine plus years, that PC would pass, guess I got so used to it, did not really believe it in my mind, only my soul. Felt it happening, as two of my friends were with me here at the house, had unbelievable feeling of separation, like something was pulling, slowly away, around 11:00 pm.
We had planned to back that night. Called PC's nurse and he said all was well at 11, , told him of my feeling and said he would keep my informed...well, he called about 7 minutes to 12 and said best to come back.
Got dress and headed out, friend drove, since I was not able, shaking and chest bone throbbing...not heart located, in center. Got there in record time, 30 minutes, and walked into his room. All leaned over to kiss him and could not feel a pulse, my chest immediately stopped throbbing, then I thought I must be mistaken , so had friend feel his other arm while I checked carotid in neck, nothing, only the flow of oxygen and the feel of his pacemaker running. She went to get CNA and RN..he had passed into heaven!
Rest in peace Prince Charming. I do and shall always love and respect you. you are one in a trillion, a man with the kindest heart and spirit I have ever known. You overcame so much in your life, and was able to smile, an infectious smile that shone like a light for all to see the real you, not the pain stricken, PTSD effected, COPA, CHF and arthritis ridden physical body.
I shall always love my Prince Charming, and always be your Cinderella.
Brother arrived tonight, so now details can be worked out. I needed family help, so thankful he volunteered. What a great southern gentlemen toss practical, logical and loving! The true deal, love you, bro.
Will let all you are interested know on arrangements.
Mac
Exist
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Not always easy, some experience needed!
Tuesday. Late evening
A day to remember.
.. And now my PC is in a SunCoast Care Center. He agreed with primary care doctor, so now care and comfort measures only. Took all day but when I left SunCoast it was about ten. They gave him pain and anxiety meds, so kisses good night and came home. All electronic devices without energy and no chargers with me, so only now have them charging
. God's peace to all and pray for PC to find his peace and his pieces to meld into his faith and strength to finish the battle with grace and peace which only comes through his faith in God's peace in his heart and soul.
Sad day but trusting in my faith.
And believe this is the right path. No curves, no bias, and heavy starch applied. Played his favorite song on iPad all afternoon, words sad, but he loves it....Harbor Lights by Guy Lombardo. Read the lyrics and you will understand.
Mac
A day to remember.
.. And now my PC is in a SunCoast Care Center. He agreed with primary care doctor, so now care and comfort measures only. Took all day but when I left SunCoast it was about ten. They gave him pain and anxiety meds, so kisses good night and came home. All electronic devices without energy and no chargers with me, so only now have them charging
. God's peace to all and pray for PC to find his peace and his pieces to meld into his faith and strength to finish the battle with grace and peace which only comes through his faith in God's peace in his heart and soul.
Sad day but trusting in my faith.
And believe this is the right path. No curves, no bias, and heavy starch applied. Played his favorite song on iPad all afternoon, words sad, but he loves it....Harbor Lights by Guy Lombardo. Read the lyrics and you will understand.
Mac
Monday, June 23, 2014
Bobbin empty, got to rewind!
Monday, June 23, 2013
Sadly the path has become more twisted..biased and crooked. Then again, as a scrappy quilter, it merely presents a new unique challenge ...I think!
PC breathing and fluid in lungs building up. I, after discussing with PC, Hospice nurse, who came for a visit, and social workers..both MP and Hospice.. listened to the opinions. One option is to suction the fluid, however once started it must be repeated..PC said, and repeated to me his understanding of what this means. And does not want this option.
Then PCP came and spoke honestly and directly to PC, told him if unwilling to get up, to sit up or try physical therapy then it will only get worst. PC repeated he is tired of fighting and just weary, ready.
PCP spoke to me in hallway, and I have 24 hours to decide if we go with care and comfort medications only. Looks like no discharge today. And hope for any improvement rapidly disappearing down the scrap bin, crumb bucket, circular file.
Pulmonary hospitalist next visited, and said lots of fluid in his lungs.. blah, blah, blah...
PC spoke to me. And apologized for not being able to try anymore. Told him, without him seeing me crying, that I did and would always understand. And. Would love him for all eternity and beyond. Seemed to help him, and he fell peacefully asleep now doing my selfish writing.
May pieces either work together or .....
Peace, that omnipresent force is offering crumbs, strips and bits to put together. Pray for guidance!
Mac
Sadly the path has become more twisted..biased and crooked. Then again, as a scrappy quilter, it merely presents a new unique challenge ...I think!
PC breathing and fluid in lungs building up. I, after discussing with PC, Hospice nurse, who came for a visit, and social workers..both MP and Hospice.. listened to the opinions. One option is to suction the fluid, however once started it must be repeated..PC said, and repeated to me his understanding of what this means. And does not want this option.
Then PCP came and spoke honestly and directly to PC, told him if unwilling to get up, to sit up or try physical therapy then it will only get worst. PC repeated he is tired of fighting and just weary, ready.
PCP spoke to me in hallway, and I have 24 hours to decide if we go with care and comfort medications only. Looks like no discharge today. And hope for any improvement rapidly disappearing down the scrap bin, crumb bucket, circular file.
Pulmonary hospitalist next visited, and said lots of fluid in his lungs.. blah, blah, blah...
PC spoke to me. And apologized for not being able to try anymore. Told him, without him seeing me crying, that I did and would always understand. And. Would love him for all eternity and beyond. Seemed to help him, and he fell peacefully asleep now doing my selfish writing.
May pieces either work together or .....
Peace, that omnipresent force is offering crumbs, strips and bits to put together. Pray for guidance!
Mac
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Where or where has my bobbin gone?
Sunday Night, June 22, 2014
Lots happening, many options, although starting to be reduced. First, PC is still in hospital, pneumonia taking a blow to his strength. Not able to stand for PT (physical therapy) so they are working on leg lifts and arm flexing, he appears rather frustrated and just wants to return home and be left in peace.
I did remind him that this starts with his request to be transported to VA in Saint Petersburg, and they it has taken on a life of its own...he said he knew, and was so sorry, then closed his eyes and shut the world out.
So that is that! please, no plans in place yet. Had a placement secured, if PT felt there was a chance , so for now, awaiting tomorrow.
Good news, however is he has been placed on waiting list for Florida Veterans Home in Land o Lakes, FL, but his placement on list has changed to fifth. I have a message, to be picked up in morning to director of admissions to inform her of medical change. So tomorrow looks just as busy as my usual pace. Honestly, this takes a long time, but PC is well worth the effort!
have an appointment with social worker at hospital, to teleconference VA social worker and see what options may be available now, that he is more stable on some of the medications.
And I am reviewing the list of vetted facilities my BFF/little sis and a RN friend have produced. Most are full, but I will keep working my way down list.
Went to church this am, and tried to "act as if" all is ok, but honestly it is not. There was an ECW meeting afterwards, I tried to sit still and attend, but had to leave.
Just need quiet time, and had scheduled meeting with Hospice nurse. Came home earlier than my usual, walked the dog, played with her till she was tired, then went to my scrap creations, trying to figure something or anything out, making slow progress but honestly, this may never leave my house! No matter how I try and cut and recut to get some order, it resists. So, think it is God's way of reminding me I can not make a giraffe become an elephant! Or as my dad would say..you can not make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Always thought was so strange, think I understand better now.
Silk is very hard to work with, it also has a mind of its own!
Somewhat reminiscent of a crazy quilt I made right after my world changed here in
Clearwater, now almost 25 years ago! Things certainly became calmer, safer and less stressful, I meditated this eve on how things have improved, and KNOW this is the path I must trod, and I am not doing it alone.
I finished that quilt, and noticed the bright, clear and open spaces within it. Today it means to much, and is safely packed away, only to be viewed or remembered for my rejoicing!
Someone said to me that this blog is selfish and I have been reflecting on that. Yes, maybe selfish. But then why NOT? I have spent the majority of my life caring about and for others. Maybe time to
care for me, to find where and who I am, honestly look at all the wrinkles, freckles, age marks, plain old chicken fat, and accept...and know that with the grace of GOD anything is possible, and HE will help me through, and has placed amazing people in my life to love and support me. Just knowing they are there makes this all doable!
May your peace come, not through piecing, but through faith and hope!
Mac
Lots happening, many options, although starting to be reduced. First, PC is still in hospital, pneumonia taking a blow to his strength. Not able to stand for PT (physical therapy) so they are working on leg lifts and arm flexing, he appears rather frustrated and just wants to return home and be left in peace.
I did remind him that this starts with his request to be transported to VA in Saint Petersburg, and they it has taken on a life of its own...he said he knew, and was so sorry, then closed his eyes and shut the world out.
So that is that! please, no plans in place yet. Had a placement secured, if PT felt there was a chance , so for now, awaiting tomorrow.
Good news, however is he has been placed on waiting list for Florida Veterans Home in Land o Lakes, FL, but his placement on list has changed to fifth. I have a message, to be picked up in morning to director of admissions to inform her of medical change. So tomorrow looks just as busy as my usual pace. Honestly, this takes a long time, but PC is well worth the effort!
have an appointment with social worker at hospital, to teleconference VA social worker and see what options may be available now, that he is more stable on some of the medications.
And I am reviewing the list of vetted facilities my BFF/little sis and a RN friend have produced. Most are full, but I will keep working my way down list.
Went to church this am, and tried to "act as if" all is ok, but honestly it is not. There was an ECW meeting afterwards, I tried to sit still and attend, but had to leave.
Just need quiet time, and had scheduled meeting with Hospice nurse. Came home earlier than my usual, walked the dog, played with her till she was tired, then went to my scrap creations, trying to figure something or anything out, making slow progress but honestly, this may never leave my house! No matter how I try and cut and recut to get some order, it resists. So, think it is God's way of reminding me I can not make a giraffe become an elephant! Or as my dad would say..you can not make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Always thought was so strange, think I understand better now.
Silk is very hard to work with, it also has a mind of its own!
Somewhat reminiscent of a crazy quilt I made right after my world changed here in
Clearwater, now almost 25 years ago! Things certainly became calmer, safer and less stressful, I meditated this eve on how things have improved, and KNOW this is the path I must trod, and I am not doing it alone.
I finished that quilt, and noticed the bright, clear and open spaces within it. Today it means to much, and is safely packed away, only to be viewed or remembered for my rejoicing!
Someone said to me that this blog is selfish and I have been reflecting on that. Yes, maybe selfish. But then why NOT? I have spent the majority of my life caring about and for others. Maybe time to
care for me, to find where and who I am, honestly look at all the wrinkles, freckles, age marks, plain old chicken fat, and accept...and know that with the grace of GOD anything is possible, and HE will help me through, and has placed amazing people in my life to love and support me. Just knowing they are there makes this all doable!
May your peace come, not through piecing, but through faith and hope!
Mac
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
There but for the Grace of God!
Wednesday, June 18
Awoke to telephone call from SNF this am|: PC struggling to breathe and 911 called, he was already in transistor to Morton Plant Hospital. By time I go there, less than20 minutes after I got the call, he was being monitored, on 13 liter flow of oxygen through full face mask, chest X-ray being done, labs drawn. Their immediate response was wonderful. Met with his doctor, said he was very fragile and they were being as careful as possible. Positive labs for pneumonia.
So, as sun sets on this rainy day, he is stable, oxygen level still very about 12 liters, usually was at about 2.5 to 3, diagnosis pneumonia and some unusual heart enzymes..not typical of heart attack..being followed. His skin is fragile and doctor ordered a pic (spelling) line/port into his right shoulder into this chest, so need for trying to draw blood in veins they can not find easily without causing pain.
I was present, holding his left arm, and using meditative force to push wire into his body, since team was struggling to get it into his body. The wire/lead kept moving up to his carotid,,asked RN if I could try, thought he would freak out, but had to remove right glove, but used heat of love and my fingers to have it (the thin wire) move down, down...it worked!
Of course, I was visualizing, not actually touching inside his body...symbolically of course...sterile draping everywhere...good team, professional and handled his anxiety well. RN said "I do not know how you did that, but it worked, next attempt would have been him unconscious and surgery to implant."
Amazing, I learned and practice many forms of meditation for years. Always grateful for meditative methods learned and practiced many years ago, if only I could make everything work...
NO, do not want that much!
If constantly,, too much, to want that, now I am really totally exhausted, takes a lot of love, stress and mental strength with intense concentration, which I have not practiced in many years.
As I left, to return with additional documents from recent VA admission, thank you GOD for having me to that big application last week, I was able to get it quickly and return to hospital. Now they can compare the heart and lung function for last few months.
I am home, showered and already in bed, about to go to sleep...Feisty is curled up on my legs. Really did me in today!
Pieces that seem to merely be strange, unworkable, not connected, and of not significance, can and do come in handy when needed. My soul sings with peace and exhaustion.
Thank you Grammy Martin for helping myself and my spirit, and my mom for her encouragement to learn any and everything I was ever curious about, however to always stay of the good, GOD.
Peace with lots of scrappy pieces! Mac
Awoke to telephone call from SNF this am|: PC struggling to breathe and 911 called, he was already in transistor to Morton Plant Hospital. By time I go there, less than20 minutes after I got the call, he was being monitored, on 13 liter flow of oxygen through full face mask, chest X-ray being done, labs drawn. Their immediate response was wonderful. Met with his doctor, said he was very fragile and they were being as careful as possible. Positive labs for pneumonia.
So, as sun sets on this rainy day, he is stable, oxygen level still very about 12 liters, usually was at about 2.5 to 3, diagnosis pneumonia and some unusual heart enzymes..not typical of heart attack..being followed. His skin is fragile and doctor ordered a pic (spelling) line/port into his right shoulder into this chest, so need for trying to draw blood in veins they can not find easily without causing pain.
I was present, holding his left arm, and using meditative force to push wire into his body, since team was struggling to get it into his body. The wire/lead kept moving up to his carotid,,asked RN if I could try, thought he would freak out, but had to remove right glove, but used heat of love and my fingers to have it (the thin wire) move down, down...it worked!
Of course, I was visualizing, not actually touching inside his body...symbolically of course...sterile draping everywhere...good team, professional and handled his anxiety well. RN said "I do not know how you did that, but it worked, next attempt would have been him unconscious and surgery to implant."
Amazing, I learned and practice many forms of meditation for years. Always grateful for meditative methods learned and practiced many years ago, if only I could make everything work...
NO, do not want that much!
If constantly,, too much, to want that, now I am really totally exhausted, takes a lot of love, stress and mental strength with intense concentration, which I have not practiced in many years.
As I left, to return with additional documents from recent VA admission, thank you GOD for having me to that big application last week, I was able to get it quickly and return to hospital. Now they can compare the heart and lung function for last few months.
I am home, showered and already in bed, about to go to sleep...Feisty is curled up on my legs. Really did me in today!
Pieces that seem to merely be strange, unworkable, not connected, and of not significance, can and do come in handy when needed. My soul sings with peace and exhaustion.
Thank you Grammy Martin for helping myself and my spirit, and my mom for her encouragement to learn any and everything I was ever curious about, however to always stay of the good, GOD.
Peace with lots of scrappy pieces! Mac
Monday, June 16, 2014
Where has the time, energy and scrappy bits gone?
Friday, June 13
PC, my hero may be with other heroes!!!!
This is a selfish rambling, so forgive, skip, or just don't trouble yourself if too much information.
Drove to Florida VA facility, Land O Lakes for interview, official tour, and to submit application packet. Done, done, and done. Only took about three <3> yep, three hours, with heavy only Florida can produce rain, if you have not ever witnessed, it appears that the rain comes in all directions at same time, even up!!! Rain lightened up, so after leaving home a little after nine, I stopped to see PC, then home and sleep, peaceful sleep with Feisty curled up right beside me.
Great facility, now his application is being submitted to their review committee, will know in one to two weeks if acceptable, then onto the waiting list. I honestly can say it appears the nicest place of similar those I have ever seen!
Heard, at last parting comment, that if he returns home, then process must be started again, and he will not be on a VA transfer placement priority..which could mean up to year or more wait. So, now quandary of how to tell him, if tell him and when to let him know. Think IF I can, do not discuss until word back on acceptance.
As an aside, PC has been accepted again for Suncoast Hospice, so only GOD knows what is the path that is being presented, and must be followed. I pray for guidance and strength.
Trying to draw in The inner strength of the strongest female I have ever known,my mom. She loved and cared for my dad by herself for many years, hour ran the family, the church, and kept two
children happy! We never knew the extent of her efforts, and I shall always regret that I did not/could not help her more. I always thought she just catered to him, now know she kept him grounded.
So Friday ended..
Absolutely exhausted, fell asleep on guest bed for short nap with Feisty, and awoke four hours later, only to go back to sleep, till 11:30 am Saturday,..whew, only a few hours sleep and the stress do all this really was worth the effort. interviewer told me rarely does anyone present with their application packet complete on first visit!! Thank you education for keeping me up nights to study and understand processes.
Saturday..Feisty and I got up only to care for absolutely immediate personal needs, and finally started our day at 2:30 . Showered, and dressed, went to see PC. Stayed a couple of hrs, then home, and to bed before my usual midnight.
Sunday, Fathers Day! Went by early to see PC before church and found him "not good", so after calling appropriate sources, got backup and attention for hm. I went to church, and was back at facility by 11:30, stayed till after 6 pm, and will only relate that I was somewhat successful in advocating for him and additional pain and anxiety medications. He only wants PEACE, and I have promised I will do all I can to make that happen.
Since he likes dark room, and was trying to rest, I took visitor chair to doorway, to get light to read, and it seems to have been successful, PC said he felt protected and safe, so slept most of afternoon. And staff was very attentive..I wonder if my presence had anything to do with that??
Anyway, mission accomplished. If this change is not effective then possibly back to Suncoast Care Center for pain and anxiety medication rebalancing.
And. ..Not sure what that will do with VA priority placement..but as I have tried to practice, not always successfully, take it one piece at a time, place that piece to next one, and keep going!
So, spent some time looking at the very random, therapy scrap pieces i have done over last month, and one block has 57 pieces...the number of pages in application..and even more interesting, the larger piece has 217 pieces, the number of total pages in packet! PC will be 81 this July, and one section has 81 pieces, and I will be....????....And there is a piece with that number also....honestly, it was scary, but true, so just turned the light off and left the scraps to meld into whatever is next....
Pieces are doing something amazing and I must trust the process..and remember, even GOD took six days and then had to rest! So who am I to even think Incan understand....
.....I await.....
Peace prevails even as understanding may be lagging.
Mac
PC, my hero may be with other heroes!!!!
This is a selfish rambling, so forgive, skip, or just don't trouble yourself if too much information.
Drove to Florida VA facility, Land O Lakes for interview, official tour, and to submit application packet. Done, done, and done. Only took about three <3> yep, three hours, with heavy only Florida can produce rain, if you have not ever witnessed, it appears that the rain comes in all directions at same time, even up!!! Rain lightened up, so after leaving home a little after nine, I stopped to see PC, then home and sleep, peaceful sleep with Feisty curled up right beside me.
Great facility, now his application is being submitted to their review committee, will know in one to two weeks if acceptable, then onto the waiting list. I honestly can say it appears the nicest place of similar those I have ever seen!
Heard, at last parting comment, that if he returns home, then process must be started again, and he will not be on a VA transfer placement priority..which could mean up to year or more wait. So, now quandary of how to tell him, if tell him and when to let him know. Think IF I can, do not discuss until word back on acceptance.
As an aside, PC has been accepted again for Suncoast Hospice, so only GOD knows what is the path that is being presented, and must be followed. I pray for guidance and strength.
Trying to draw in The inner strength of the strongest female I have ever known,my mom. She loved and cared for my dad by herself for many years, hour ran the family, the church, and kept two
children happy! We never knew the extent of her efforts, and I shall always regret that I did not/could not help her more. I always thought she just catered to him, now know she kept him grounded.
So Friday ended..
Absolutely exhausted, fell asleep on guest bed for short nap with Feisty, and awoke four hours later, only to go back to sleep, till 11:30 am Saturday,..whew, only a few hours sleep and the stress do all this really was worth the effort. interviewer told me rarely does anyone present with their application packet complete on first visit!! Thank you education for keeping me up nights to study and understand processes.
Saturday..Feisty and I got up only to care for absolutely immediate personal needs, and finally started our day at 2:30 . Showered, and dressed, went to see PC. Stayed a couple of hrs, then home, and to bed before my usual midnight.
Sunday, Fathers Day! Went by early to see PC before church and found him "not good", so after calling appropriate sources, got backup and attention for hm. I went to church, and was back at facility by 11:30, stayed till after 6 pm, and will only relate that I was somewhat successful in advocating for him and additional pain and anxiety medications. He only wants PEACE, and I have promised I will do all I can to make that happen.
Since he likes dark room, and was trying to rest, I took visitor chair to doorway, to get light to read, and it seems to have been successful, PC said he felt protected and safe, so slept most of afternoon. And staff was very attentive..I wonder if my presence had anything to do with that??
Anyway, mission accomplished. If this change is not effective then possibly back to Suncoast Care Center for pain and anxiety medication rebalancing.
And. ..Not sure what that will do with VA priority placement..but as I have tried to practice, not always successfully, take it one piece at a time, place that piece to next one, and keep going!
So, spent some time looking at the very random, therapy scrap pieces i have done over last month, and one block has 57 pieces...the number of pages in application..and even more interesting, the larger piece has 217 pieces, the number of total pages in packet! PC will be 81 this July, and one section has 81 pieces, and I will be....????....And there is a piece with that number also....honestly, it was scary, but true, so just turned the light off and left the scraps to meld into whatever is next....
Pieces are doing something amazing and I must trust the process..and remember, even GOD took six days and then had to rest! So who am I to even think Incan understand....
.....I await.....
Peace prevails even as understanding may be lagging.
Mac
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Sadly, killed a few trees today!
Thursday evening, or early Friday dependent upon your perception
..but then, isn't everything about our perception, which becomes our reality, which becomes our belief system and until then governs our actions, which circle back to our perceptions.
Finally got the 56 page document completed to take to Land o Lakes facility tomorrow to review if possibly beat place for PC, know there is a waiting list if he qualifies, but will try.
PC is doing better, speech therapist told me his short term memory is improving. Is eating regular diet, and requested Taco Bell, his new favorite junk food., followed closely by any kind of fresh made pizza!
Feisty is very sad, do not think that short visit with PC was good for her, or her internal digestive system, she has been upset since last night.
Was doing final review of application, it now totals over 200 pages! Yep, you read it correctly, with all the supporting information. As I reviewed, slowly, all documents, and discovered I copied some outdated documents, needed those from 2009, not the 2008 ones I so carefully arranged. So the poor little copier here at house got to struggle and burp! But it got done! And a backup copy of all "just in case" things get lost.
SNF is being terrific, and very attentive to him since I spoke to everyone about the quality of his care. Had to take new clothing over, appears he is being washing and changed at least three times a day! I do his laundry with special detergent for sensitive skin, so elect to bring home and do. Did enough to last, at current rate, two days!
Please remember my sister in law, her brother passed away this week, So bro and SIL flew from Houston today for a services, and are due back in Houston to celebrate the grand baby first Father's Day!
Got to close, nothing out of ordinary, for which I am eternally grateful.
May the seams with bias get heavy starch. And comply with your intersections!
Pieces and peace out...Mac
..but then, isn't everything about our perception, which becomes our reality, which becomes our belief system and until then governs our actions, which circle back to our perceptions.
Finally got the 56 page document completed to take to Land o Lakes facility tomorrow to review if possibly beat place for PC, know there is a waiting list if he qualifies, but will try.
PC is doing better, speech therapist told me his short term memory is improving. Is eating regular diet, and requested Taco Bell, his new favorite junk food., followed closely by any kind of fresh made pizza!
Feisty is very sad, do not think that short visit with PC was good for her, or her internal digestive system, she has been upset since last night.
Was doing final review of application, it now totals over 200 pages! Yep, you read it correctly, with all the supporting information. As I reviewed, slowly, all documents, and discovered I copied some outdated documents, needed those from 2009, not the 2008 ones I so carefully arranged. So the poor little copier here at house got to struggle and burp! But it got done! And a backup copy of all "just in case" things get lost.
SNF is being terrific, and very attentive to him since I spoke to everyone about the quality of his care. Had to take new clothing over, appears he is being washing and changed at least three times a day! I do his laundry with special detergent for sensitive skin, so elect to bring home and do. Did enough to last, at current rate, two days!
Please remember my sister in law, her brother passed away this week, So bro and SIL flew from Houston today for a services, and are due back in Houston to celebrate the grand baby first Father's Day!
Got to close, nothing out of ordinary, for which I am eternally grateful.
May the seams with bias get heavy starch. And comply with your intersections!
Pieces and peace out...Mac
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
If we only knew, we would still love!
Wednesday night,
Sorry for all the typos in the previous posting. I was crying during most of the typing and trying to keep Feisty from licking the tears off my face. In a way, must have been hilarious, and is especially funny when I read it a few minutes ago.
Hey, who said southern belles know grammar?
Heard a joke yesterday that really cracked me up....and y'all need to ask my bud Carla to repeat, afraid it would offend some sensitivities!!!! Lol
News of day, all but five supporting documents are ready to be copied. Learned tonight that a dormant account at the credit union, although still open and a little money in it, will not provide you a printable statement, online, and I need last three months, so of I go to GFCU tomorrow. Then to copy machine. Yea, I am so happy. Thought I would never reach page 56!
Another thing I discovered, my PC has kept records, medical, psychiatric, legal, etc back to at least 1971! Thought that filing cabinet was somewhat full, now know the reason. There was a detailed Family Questionnaire I was to complete, and the documents really helped, and anything I could not find I noted "before my knowledge or resources". First time, then only BMKOR, that should at least give a government worker the thrill of the day.
PC is wanting desperately to come home! Scary! And said he was tired of hearing how I am afraid, so I shut up! I am a good Cinderella, she was always thinking and never let her situation hold her emotional spirit down.
This morning when I mentioned, as suggested by wonderful (!) social worker to remind him at least two weeks here then transfer to a long term facility ...well, let's just say it was NOT pleasant. I smiled, the truly fake smile, said I will back, and home I came to await the water softener man, transistor needs replacing, so I worked on exciting documents!
Yesterday he was all excited about the Land o Lakes facility, now only wants to come home, and have me to care for him. Maybe four hours day with help...you can rest assured I will be speaking with doctors, social worker, etc to determine best and most appropriate course of action. No other details yet! Know nothing can or will be done until next week.
Financially ran the numbers and know that there is enough to care for him. Thinking of taking in ironing! Lol, lol,,,,you know I wear old tee shirts and yoga pants, right?
Word of advice to all, love your PC, beyond comprehension, but keep your own funds separate and separated, and DO NOT QUIT working, as I did in December, 2013 to care for him. Well, actually I went from 2 full time jobs, Dean on Distance Learning and Quality at a university, .and a
Art time job as a CARF behavioral health national surveyor plus private practice to twelve hours a week for the last nine years, and we have made it! With the grace if God, and Southern Scots-Irish roots! PC has never wanted for anything...something to be proud of. And he always had money for what he wanted!
Enough selfishness, I hope y'all have a spirit filled day now.
Mac.
Sorry for all the typos in the previous posting. I was crying during most of the typing and trying to keep Feisty from licking the tears off my face. In a way, must have been hilarious, and is especially funny when I read it a few minutes ago.
Hey, who said southern belles know grammar?
Heard a joke yesterday that really cracked me up....and y'all need to ask my bud Carla to repeat, afraid it would offend some sensitivities!!!! Lol
News of day, all but five supporting documents are ready to be copied. Learned tonight that a dormant account at the credit union, although still open and a little money in it, will not provide you a printable statement, online, and I need last three months, so of I go to GFCU tomorrow. Then to copy machine. Yea, I am so happy. Thought I would never reach page 56!
Another thing I discovered, my PC has kept records, medical, psychiatric, legal, etc back to at least 1971! Thought that filing cabinet was somewhat full, now know the reason. There was a detailed Family Questionnaire I was to complete, and the documents really helped, and anything I could not find I noted "before my knowledge or resources". First time, then only BMKOR, that should at least give a government worker the thrill of the day.
PC is wanting desperately to come home! Scary! And said he was tired of hearing how I am afraid, so I shut up! I am a good Cinderella, she was always thinking and never let her situation hold her emotional spirit down.
This morning when I mentioned, as suggested by wonderful (!) social worker to remind him at least two weeks here then transfer to a long term facility ...well, let's just say it was NOT pleasant. I smiled, the truly fake smile, said I will back, and home I came to await the water softener man, transistor needs replacing, so I worked on exciting documents!
Yesterday he was all excited about the Land o Lakes facility, now only wants to come home, and have me to care for him. Maybe four hours day with help...you can rest assured I will be speaking with doctors, social worker, etc to determine best and most appropriate course of action. No other details yet! Know nothing can or will be done until next week.
Financially ran the numbers and know that there is enough to care for him. Thinking of taking in ironing! Lol, lol,,,,you know I wear old tee shirts and yoga pants, right?
Word of advice to all, love your PC, beyond comprehension, but keep your own funds separate and separated, and DO NOT QUIT working, as I did in December, 2013 to care for him. Well, actually I went from 2 full time jobs, Dean on Distance Learning and Quality at a university, .and a
Art time job as a CARF behavioral health national surveyor plus private practice to twelve hours a week for the last nine years, and we have made it! With the grace if God, and Southern Scots-Irish roots! PC has never wanted for anything...something to be proud of. And he always had money for what he wanted!
Enough selfishness, I hope y'all have a spirit filled day now.
Mac.
Trying again,,,,
Tuesday, June
Guess I am sensitive like Miss Scarlett, to comment from a significant
person of PC and edited the blog to make it more palatable to person and friends.
so I hope this been accomplished and made said person feel less exposure.
I need to invite and encourage understanding with note to real family secrets or scandals, only t share what my PC has been telling others for years, there is no shame or embarrassment in PTSD, GAD or vascular dementia caused primarily by a reduction to the flow of blood to the brain., it is the second( only behind Alzheimer's) affecting us as we age. He has been telling all and how to treat or prevent...he was the poster child for reasons to not smoke nor working constantly to get ahead. So there, I am doing it!
New of day...great day, visit to SNF
this am before breakfast to check on his care, after my "come to Jesus" of yesterday from the aide to the director of nursing, and chairman of board...well he was cleaned, dressed, changed and ready for breakfast...looked like himself!
I went to quilting class this afternoon, and laughed and laughed, we are so funny. And so do we NOT take anyone or anyone seriously. Think I have made a potential scrap quilter from one of them, she is struggling but doing its, and it is beautiful!
Came home. Working in the Florida VA application, 56 pages which require supporting documents, trying to get ready tomorrow and copy, recheck on. Thursday and I have an appointment on Friday afternoon to turn it in and have the interview and original it is amazing he has materials delivered.
We wait for medical social, clergy, and pray, different medical specialists to review the compete document before they will decide on his acceptance in facility, which means on a waiting list for two to four months!
I want to have it done tomorrow and copied. So I can recheck on Friday am before leaving as I have a 2:00 pm appointment, wish me luck, and angels opening doors!
PC is starting speaking of coming home,,,,a fear for me.because of what happened last Saturday,,,,and I honestly do not think I or any one person could care for him 24 hours a day, time will tell! pray this is not the recommendation for him...
took Feisty,.his dog over for a ten minute visit in her scroller tonight, PC a appeared to like it...she was a lady during the time.
And lastly, just wanted to let you I listened and do appreciate each and every one of you
Mac. Aka as a Manilla brown cat
and they let us know..?take. Three night so far, so to finish tomorrow???
Guess I am sensitive like Miss Scarlett, to comment from a significant
person of PC and edited the blog to make it more palatable to person and friends.
so I hope this been accomplished and made said person feel less exposure.
I need to invite and encourage understanding with note to real family secrets or scandals, only t share what my PC has been telling others for years, there is no shame or embarrassment in PTSD, GAD or vascular dementia caused primarily by a reduction to the flow of blood to the brain., it is the second( only behind Alzheimer's) affecting us as we age. He has been telling all and how to treat or prevent...he was the poster child for reasons to not smoke nor working constantly to get ahead. So there, I am doing it!
New of day...great day, visit to SNF
this am before breakfast to check on his care, after my "come to Jesus" of yesterday from the aide to the director of nursing, and chairman of board...well he was cleaned, dressed, changed and ready for breakfast...looked like himself!
I went to quilting class this afternoon, and laughed and laughed, we are so funny. And so do we NOT take anyone or anyone seriously. Think I have made a potential scrap quilter from one of them, she is struggling but doing its, and it is beautiful!
Came home. Working in the Florida VA application, 56 pages which require supporting documents, trying to get ready tomorrow and copy, recheck on. Thursday and I have an appointment on Friday afternoon to turn it in and have the interview and original it is amazing he has materials delivered.
We wait for medical social, clergy, and pray, different medical specialists to review the compete document before they will decide on his acceptance in facility, which means on a waiting list for two to four months!
I want to have it done tomorrow and copied. So I can recheck on Friday am before leaving as I have a 2:00 pm appointment, wish me luck, and angels opening doors!
PC is starting speaking of coming home,,,,a fear for me.because of what happened last Saturday,,,,and I honestly do not think I or any one person could care for him 24 hours a day, time will tell! pray this is not the recommendation for him...
took Feisty,.his dog over for a ten minute visit in her scroller tonight, PC a appeared to like it...she was a lady during the time.
And lastly, just wanted to let you I listened and do appreciate each and every one of you
Mac. Aka as a Manilla brown cat
and they let us know..?take. Three night so far, so to finish tomorrow???
Monday, June 9, 2014
My pieces are not fitting nicely!
Monday, June 9,2014
First let me apologize for any disrespect, dishonor or embarrassment I may have provoked by this blog. I am sincerely sorry, and shall henceforth be more circumspect in any words or writings about my PC.
Yes, I humbly beseech the person and persons I may have caused harm and ask for forgiveness.
I am attempting, to no avail this eve to modify my last name in my google profile to reflect only my unique origins, and none of PC.
Meanwhile, I am happy to report PC was sleeping/resting soundly tonight and was all snug and tucked in when I visited about 8:45,
My pieces, or cloth has been cut, now I must deal with the resulting crooked lines, misread and understood intentions of others, honestly I thought I was helping,,,,so,sorry.
This blog will end with this entry, know that I love, respect and selfishly I may have considered only my needs and not that of PC.
Peace, I pray
Mac
First let me apologize for any disrespect, dishonor or embarrassment I may have provoked by this blog. I am sincerely sorry, and shall henceforth be more circumspect in any words or writings about my PC.
Yes, I humbly beseech the person and persons I may have caused harm and ask for forgiveness.
I am attempting, to no avail this eve to modify my last name in my google profile to reflect only my unique origins, and none of PC.
Meanwhile, I am happy to report PC was sleeping/resting soundly tonight and was all snug and tucked in when I visited about 8:45,
My pieces, or cloth has been cut, now I must deal with the resulting crooked lines, misread and understood intentions of others, honestly I thought I was helping,,,,so,sorry.
This blog will end with this entry, know that I love, respect and selfishly I may have considered only my needs and not that of PC.
Peace, I pray
Mac
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thursday June 5, 2014
What a couple of days! Lots of movement, but little action. PC is still, at this writing, in VA Medical Center, St Pete, with LPN in attendance constantly. He is never alone. Has an amazing view out his window of the gulf and boats, just not interested in looking.
Ok, news. I was asked to visit and select a skilled rehab/nursing facility for his next stop. First evaluation from a highly rated facility..was rejected after initial evaluation.
So, second tier called and sadly same result, so first five choices were eliminated. Now has been tentatively accepted at a facility near our home, dependent on physical health and in morning. He is exhausted and so I pray for his safe transition and improvement
. Went by this afternoon, and found out his white blood cell count is indicating an infection, so holding him another day. He was soft spoken and calm. Nurse said no pain meds all day.
It was nice to see him at peace, at last.
Well, must say I actually slept last night and beginning to feel like MAC again, slowly and surely. Feisty is also dong better, actually slept beside me and not on back of couch waiting for her man Now off to see my sewing machine, I Know she has missed me!
Need to put some pieces together, with peace..thinking blue scraps, wonder if I have any????lol Peace. Mac
. Went by this afternoon, and found out his white blood cell count is indicating an infection, so holding him another day. He was soft spoken and calm. Nurse said no pain meds all day.
It was nice to see him at peace, at last.
Well, must say I actually slept last night and beginning to feel like MAC again, slowly and surely. Feisty is also dong better, actually slept beside me and not on back of couch waiting for her man Now off to see my sewing machine, I Know she has missed me!
Need to put some pieces together, with peace..thinking blue scraps, wonder if I have any????lol Peace. Mac
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
First, amazing news: I am a great aunt..Felix Latham Crowder arrived this morning, weighing in at 7#6 oz and 20 inches. What a great joy! &nbp;Hears his nickname is to be scoop. When I look at this picture, it is great
>
Today, phone and I have been almost unseperatable....lots of calls, back and forth, with family in Texas..joy..and trying to insure all is in place to help PC has all details in place to make this most difficult situation as peaceful as possible.
Amazing, I even got a conference concerning legal matters, police consult, and information on medication disposal..which you may be interested is NOT easy, even when very bland generic, and they can NOT be put into trash or the water system....if you need help. Let me know, I have consulted with five "experts""today...
PC is appearing clearer, related to skin tone brighter and calmer. They have changed his medications. Spoke of phone, briefly to his son, was so much brighter after this call and hearing his voice!
Knows about pt and exercise soon before home. Still looks like Prince Charming, I peeked into room, but he did not see me. He seems to like attention and activity around him. In a ward with four other vets, three had their tv on....
Still have sitter around the clock, and now plan seems to stay at VA in a couple of more days, till pneumonia is more controlled, and then to rehab for a couple of weeks to see if he can gain any strength in his arms and legs.
So, til next I venture to scrap pile, and not just the one around me, I will wish you pieces and pieces and peace with peace. Mac
Amazing, I even got a conference concerning legal matters, police consult, and information on medication disposal..which you may be interested is NOT easy, even when very bland generic, and they can NOT be put into trash or the water system....if you need help. Let me know, I have consulted with five "experts""today...
PC is appearing clearer, related to skin tone brighter and calmer. They have changed his medications. Spoke of phone, briefly to his son, was so much brighter after this call and hearing his voice!
Knows about pt and exercise soon before home. Still looks like Prince Charming, I peeked into room, but he did not see me. He seems to like attention and activity around him. In a ward with four other vets, three had their tv on....
Still have sitter around the clock, and now plan seems to stay at VA in a couple of more days, till pneumonia is more controlled, and then to rehab for a couple of weeks to see if he can gain any strength in his arms and legs.
So, til next I venture to scrap pile, and not just the one around me, I will wish you pieces and pieces and peace with peace. Mac
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014. Day 7928
Well, it is just past midnight and I am awake, so much spinning in my brain tonight. I did a long meditation..travel to beautiful San Francisco Bay and watching the cars in the Golden Gate Brisge and the people walking the nearby park. Ok, before you think I have really lost it, I practice a type of meditation focusing of beautiful and familiar places of peace and tranquility. Actually fell asleep for awhile, thus my being awake now.
Have a long honest, I think, conversation with a person of great import to my PC. Amazing how two people can have such a difference of perceptions of the same event and situations. I pray that tonight helped with some emotional healing and feeling of mutual acceptance. Trust is not easy for me, especially in stressful situations, but I am trying to change!
Was blessed to have girlfriends come over Saturday night, one even spent the night, and all today. Another wanted to, but I felt like I needed to be alone with my meditation. Another went with me to see PC in hospital, which was a blessing.
Amazing, I like to help others, but somehow think I am supposed to be strong enough to handle things alone...from mom?, grandmother (Nannie), life experiences? Too much education? Anyway, it just does not work anymore and I am so blessed to have people who will come and just be with me. Even had an excellent dinner left in my front porch, just because.
I was so touched, I cried..which helped..been doing this a lot of that last few days, so sad, but not feeling as lonely..Thank you God.
Sunday also brought lots of emails, just girl stuff and made me feel so connected to my community,. Loved them! Thank you so much.
Abit nervous for tomorrow, but know that GOD is in control and if He can care for a sparrow, I definitely know HE will care and take care of me!
No piecing today, no scraps. But got some actually thrown out! Garage starting to look better!
Peace with no piecing today. Mac
PS: if not a quilter. To un sew means to remove stitches, generally with a seam ripper. HSTs are half square triangles, which produces horrid bias seams, my least favorite!
know
Well, it is just past midnight and I am awake, so much spinning in my brain tonight. I did a long meditation..travel to beautiful San Francisco Bay and watching the cars in the Golden Gate Brisge and the people walking the nearby park. Ok, before you think I have really lost it, I practice a type of meditation focusing of beautiful and familiar places of peace and tranquility. Actually fell asleep for awhile, thus my being awake now.
Have a long honest, I think, conversation with a person of great import to my PC. Amazing how two people can have such a difference of perceptions of the same event and situations. I pray that tonight helped with some emotional healing and feeling of mutual acceptance. Trust is not easy for me, especially in stressful situations, but I am trying to change!
Was blessed to have girlfriends come over Saturday night, one even spent the night, and all today. Another wanted to, but I felt like I needed to be alone with my meditation. Another went with me to see PC in hospital, which was a blessing.
Amazing, I like to help others, but somehow think I am supposed to be strong enough to handle things alone...from mom?, grandmother (Nannie), life experiences? Too much education? Anyway, it just does not work anymore and I am so blessed to have people who will come and just be with me. Even had an excellent dinner left in my front porch, just because.
I was so touched, I cried..which helped..been doing this a lot of that last few days, so sad, but not feeling as lonely..Thank you God.
Sunday also brought lots of emails, just girl stuff and made me feel so connected to my community,. Loved them! Thank you so much.
Abit nervous for tomorrow, but know that GOD is in control and if He can care for a sparrow, I definitely know HE will care and take care of me!
No piecing today, no scraps. But got some actually thrown out! Garage starting to look better!
Peace with no piecing today. Mac
PS: if not a quilter. To un sew means to remove stitches, generally with a seam ripper. HSTs are half square triangles, which produces horrid bias seams, my least favorite!
know
June 1,2014. Day 7927
PC admitted to VA hospital in St Pete, diagnosis is primarily CHF and pneumonia, has sitter with him round the clock, hopefully details will be forthcoming in a few days.
Pray the pieces bound and edged with love will hold, while the crooked, unraveling and in-sewn pieces find a way to work for the good of all.
Scrap quilting is, at times, a real challenge, and requires creativity to make a thing of beauty and uniqueness, and again, it can merely be an exercise in stitching over and over, expecting nothing but practice at patience and tolerance.
Now, how do you like that for psycho-babble. Feeling abit more like me tonight. Thanks to all my friends and family for their comfort and support. And peace prevail over bias sews!
Mac
PC admitted to VA hospital in St Pete, diagnosis is primarily CHF and pneumonia, has sitter with him round the clock, hopefully details will be forthcoming in a few days.
Pray the pieces bound and edged with love will hold, while the crooked, unraveling and in-sewn pieces find a way to work for the good of all.
Scrap quilting is, at times, a real challenge, and requires creativity to make a thing of beauty and uniqueness, and again, it can merely be an exercise in stitching over and over, expecting nothing but practice at patience and tolerance.
Now, how do you like that for psycho-babble. Feeling abit more like me tonight. Thanks to all my friends and family for their comfort and support. And peace prevail over bias sews!
Mac
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Really not a day to mention, horrible comes to mind, please pray for PC and for me, it is NOT good here. He has requested going back to hospital, this time to VA in St Petersburg. Taken by ambulance about hour ago, and does not want me involved.
Flashback to a time three years ago, and multiply times 3. That is the reality of today.
pieces so carefully put together are coming un-sewn
Macs.
Really not a day to mention, horrible comes to mind, please pray for PC and for me, it is NOT good here. He has requested going back to hospital, this time to VA in St Petersburg. Taken by ambulance about hour ago, and does not want me involved.
Flashback to a time three years ago, and multiply times 3. That is the reality of today.
pieces so carefully put together are coming un-sewn
Macs.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
NOT AMUSED. at all!!
Thursday evening, PC now soundly sleeping, I pray.
This has been a VERY stressful day, starting before 6, and suffice it to say pain medications are helping the physical pain, but behaviors becoming more "out of the box", so I ask for petitions of prayerful thoughts and offerings to GOD that the medication and his mind to adjust to these rapid changes.
Today was so like three years ago, only this time no police or EMS, no questioning of me on suspicion of harming my hero. That was a true livid nightmare.
When the obstinate behaviors take over, it does become a challenge. AND even this humble scrap quilter, who tries to make something beautiful from bits and pieces, is somewhat befuddled today.
Tonight, may just sew random strips together, at least something will be visible and tangible in my world as the rain clouds circle my abode. Looking out my window, I see such a stillness and amazing gray shades surrounding my world. Is this symbolic, or a new color scheme for my next project?
Trying to find peace, with random pieces, and the true knowledge that I do not walk this path alone. And believe that this is my journey, and I must walk it.
Only with friends, family and my faith community can I even hope to complete this scrappy quilt. The colors, pieces, pattern and shape are such moving target, who knows what this will turn out to be....piece by piece, bright and dark, Fun and miserable, light and off centered, just like my existence?
Again, I wish all piece by piece, peace with peace and grace! Macs
Thursday evening, PC now soundly sleeping, I pray.
This has been a VERY stressful day, starting before 6, and suffice it to say pain medications are helping the physical pain, but behaviors becoming more "out of the box", so I ask for petitions of prayerful thoughts and offerings to GOD that the medication and his mind to adjust to these rapid changes.
Today was so like three years ago, only this time no police or EMS, no questioning of me on suspicion of harming my hero. That was a true livid nightmare.
When the obstinate behaviors take over, it does become a challenge. AND even this humble scrap quilter, who tries to make something beautiful from bits and pieces, is somewhat befuddled today.
Tonight, may just sew random strips together, at least something will be visible and tangible in my world as the rain clouds circle my abode. Looking out my window, I see such a stillness and amazing gray shades surrounding my world. Is this symbolic, or a new color scheme for my next project?
Trying to find peace, with random pieces, and the true knowledge that I do not walk this path alone. And believe that this is my journey, and I must walk it.
Only with friends, family and my faith community can I even hope to complete this scrappy quilt. The colors, pieces, pattern and shape are such moving target, who knows what this will turn out to be....piece by piece, bright and dark, Fun and miserable, light and off centered, just like my existence?
Again, I wish all piece by piece, peace with peace and grace! Macs
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Musing, mused, and not amused!
Wednesday, May 28" , 2014
Busy two days, even wrote a blog entry that somehow has vanished in cyber- weird way. So, if this appears redundant, maybe that is just the way things are now!
PC, Prince Charming if you forgot, is now back home. He got here about 3:30 today, via ambulance. He is heavily medicated but reports no physical pain, just drowsy and confused from all the activity of late. He is asleep now, and hopefully will remain so until time to wake him up for evening medications. There was a struggle keeping the morphine pump in his body, either he pulled out, or body pushed it, of something weird.
Therefore, after struggling for two days, he was switched to oral medication, three times a day, with a backup medications for break- through pain.
Tuesday early morning I got a call, he was out of control, confused, screaming, etc. They asked me to come and try to calm him. Of course I did, when it got there , there were two nurses outside his door, and one inside his room. When he saw me, he smiled, said I love you, and went to sleep after asking if I was staying. So stay I did. I was there when breakfast arrived, and left after dinner. He has NO memory of any of it.
Social worker asked and did research to see if any other options are available. But, as she found out, with the medical complications, as well as psychological, home is the only safe and available place.
Well, think I have been through this before, so nothing new. Three years ago, a very similar situation
ensued, and home we are, for the duration, as my dad used to say!
At times I think back of last three years, it was May/ June of 2011 when PTSD took major control of his and my life. Wow, how things change. Life is so fragile, and memories so fleeting yet present.
Today a veteran volunteer came to house to present him with a certificate of appreciation for his service. The volunteer was a former marine, so I also had memories flooding my mind and spirit. PC could not even look at him.
It was sad, however the certificate is now taped to his bedroom wall so he can see it when he is ready. And he had me read it to him when the marine left.
Medication must be consistently administered, so I think I shall become an early riser! I need more time to scrap quilt anyway, right?
Till next time, may all your pieces line up. Your seams not have to be unsewn and the corners look sharp,
Peace....macs
Wednesday, May 28" , 2014
Busy two days, even wrote a blog entry that somehow has vanished in cyber- weird way. So, if this appears redundant, maybe that is just the way things are now!
PC, Prince Charming if you forgot, is now back home. He got here about 3:30 today, via ambulance. He is heavily medicated but reports no physical pain, just drowsy and confused from all the activity of late. He is asleep now, and hopefully will remain so until time to wake him up for evening medications. There was a struggle keeping the morphine pump in his body, either he pulled out, or body pushed it, of something weird.
Therefore, after struggling for two days, he was switched to oral medication, three times a day, with a backup medications for break- through pain.
Tuesday early morning I got a call, he was out of control, confused, screaming, etc. They asked me to come and try to calm him. Of course I did, when it got there , there were two nurses outside his door, and one inside his room. When he saw me, he smiled, said I love you, and went to sleep after asking if I was staying. So stay I did. I was there when breakfast arrived, and left after dinner. He has NO memory of any of it.
Social worker asked and did research to see if any other options are available. But, as she found out, with the medical complications, as well as psychological, home is the only safe and available place.
Well, think I have been through this before, so nothing new. Three years ago, a very similar situation
ensued, and home we are, for the duration, as my dad used to say!
At times I think back of last three years, it was May/ June of 2011 when PTSD took major control of his and my life. Wow, how things change. Life is so fragile, and memories so fleeting yet present.
Today a veteran volunteer came to house to present him with a certificate of appreciation for his service. The volunteer was a former marine, so I also had memories flooding my mind and spirit. PC could not even look at him.
It was sad, however the certificate is now taped to his bedroom wall so he can see it when he is ready. And he had me read it to him when the marine left.
Medication must be consistently administered, so I think I shall become an early riser! I need more time to scrap quilt anyway, right?
Till next time, may all your pieces line up. Your seams not have to be unsewn and the corners look sharp,
Peace....macs
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Day 7920, Sunday, May 25,2014
Been two days of piecing, and peace-seeking. Before I provide scratchy details, I want to take a moment to explain my thoughts on this process, IE: the blog. So many of our friends, and family live outside our immediate area, and I fear I have not kept up my address book of late, so this offered a way for all to find information, as desires.
OK, so what has happened.
On Saturday, PC was transported via ambulance to a Suncoast Care Center. There are three here in Pinellas County and he chose to go to the one that the doctor he likes would be working this weekend. Good choice, since they had a room. He is in a lovely private room, large, overlooking a fountain and very calm and calming.
On Saturday, he was started on a morphine pump, in an effort to address his physical pain. At this writing, Sunday evening, the dosing has been slowly increased and now he reports feeling much less pain.
Communication with doctor has been done, as well as details on management when he returns home. It is anticipated some time next week, pending an further complications. A RN will be visiting daily to address the medication needs, etc.
So, thank you to all for all the prayers and supportive encouragement. When I left this evening, I noticed a remarkable return of his smile and returning personality! Peace,,,,think I will work on my scrap pieces for awhile tonight.
MACS
Been two days of piecing, and peace-seeking. Before I provide scratchy details, I want to take a moment to explain my thoughts on this process, IE: the blog. So many of our friends, and family live outside our immediate area, and I fear I have not kept up my address book of late, so this offered a way for all to find information, as desires.
OK, so what has happened.
On Saturday, PC was transported via ambulance to a Suncoast Care Center. There are three here in Pinellas County and he chose to go to the one that the doctor he likes would be working this weekend. Good choice, since they had a room. He is in a lovely private room, large, overlooking a fountain and very calm and calming.
On Saturday, he was started on a morphine pump, in an effort to address his physical pain. At this writing, Sunday evening, the dosing has been slowly increased and now he reports feeling much less pain.
Communication with doctor has been done, as well as details on management when he returns home. It is anticipated some time next week, pending an further complications. A RN will be visiting daily to address the medication needs, etc.
So, thank you to all for all the prayers and supportive encouragement. When I left this evening, I noticed a remarkable return of his smile and returning personality! Peace,,,,think I will work on my scrap pieces for awhile tonight.
MACS
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Day 7917
May 22, 2014
What a day! First off, thank you for caring enough to read, and hopefully support this humble blogger.
Today dawned bright and sunny, how I know this I am rarely awake as the dawn comes up..Usually we are up very late, and then sleep into the morning. However today was a special day.
The SunCoast Hospice neurologist came to house today, and was so patient in explaining everything to Prince Charming and me. He was accompanied by the RN Case Manager, and so helpful.
After lengthy discussion and evaluation of all medications, Prince Charming, (PC) for brevity sake, spoke to him about his long term pain and desire to be pain free, as much as possible given other medical conditions. It appears that the case manager had communicated with all other medical professionals on PC team, and had notes of discussions with same.
PC will enter the SunCoast Care Center on Saturday, details to follow later, for 3 to 4 days, in an effort to medically monitor, closely, his adjustment and reactions to new pain treatments. It appears, at this point, that this is the best option, given the CHF, PTSD, GAD, COPD. This the safest method. PC related well to MD, and he will be monitoring care. Pray for calm and patience for my prince, please and strength for me to continue this path.
I do not feel like discussing this. please understand I am trying not to cry and let him see or hear me. He is so vulnerable and sensitive to changes in my mood, I am learning to "act as if" everything is normal, what a joke!!!
May all your pieces fall into line, and peace prevail...macs
Last night my scrap bin received lots of attention, mindlessly sewing random lengths of 2.5 inch strips together. Actually emptied the bin, and now feel better!!!
Till later, piece happily and freely. And be at peace! Macs
What a day! First off, thank you for caring enough to read, and hopefully support this humble blogger.
Today dawned bright and sunny, how I know this I am rarely awake as the dawn comes up..Usually we are up very late, and then sleep into the morning. However today was a special day.
The SunCoast Hospice neurologist came to house today, and was so patient in explaining everything to Prince Charming and me. He was accompanied by the RN Case Manager, and so helpful.
After lengthy discussion and evaluation of all medications, Prince Charming, (PC) for brevity sake, spoke to him about his long term pain and desire to be pain free, as much as possible given other medical conditions. It appears that the case manager had communicated with all other medical professionals on PC team, and had notes of discussions with same.
PC will enter the SunCoast Care Center on Saturday, details to follow later, for 3 to 4 days, in an effort to medically monitor, closely, his adjustment and reactions to new pain treatments. It appears, at this point, that this is the best option, given the CHF, PTSD, GAD, COPD. This the safest method. PC related well to MD, and he will be monitoring care. Pray for calm and patience for my prince, please and strength for me to continue this path.
I do not feel like discussing this. please understand I am trying not to cry and let him see or hear me. He is so vulnerable and sensitive to changes in my mood, I am learning to "act as if" everything is normal, what a joke!!!
May all your pieces fall into line, and peace prevail...macs
Last night my scrap bin received lots of attention, mindlessly sewing random lengths of 2.5 inch strips together. Actually emptied the bin, and now feel better!!!
Till later, piece happily and freely. And be at peace! Macs
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 Musing of a scrap quilter!
Today is day 7,916 of knowing my Prince Charming, and I must say, he is still charming and lovable, although at times trying and troublesome, he truly is my Prince Charming.
OK, for an update: As you may know, last week, Nicholas agreed to a referral to Suncoast Hospice for palliative care, his physical pain is not responding to the medications he is prescribed and his general physical health continues to decline. He is weary, I do not know how else to describe it.
So, the thought came to me, write a blog, nothing fancy and no beautiful graphics, etc. just information to those who may be interested. I am struggling with the daily tasks and watching with acceptance yet hesitation this process unfold.
Today, after waiting for almost 9 months for an opening, he was admitted to Home-Based Primary Care through the VA. This means they will come to him for medical appointments, since he now is confined to our home. The ARNP was here from 12 til almost 2, he is exhausted however was able to respond to all her questions,etc.
The ARNP, as part of the admission paperwork, spoke to him about the DNRO, and he asked questions, etc. He willingly signed for her, so now that is one less thing, another piece of this life quilt, taken care of.
This referral will mean visits from PT, OT, social worker, psychologist, lab, etc. the entire resources of the VA will be brought to him, not him to them! Thank You GOD!
Followed, another miracle, a piece for peace, in that the VA psychiatrist made a telephone appointment followup for him, in lieu of trying to physically get him to St. Petersburg.
I spoke with the psychiatrist, and fully understand the complications or not that may result in a change in his pain medications with his psychotropic meds. I emphatically believe that Nicholas should not live his days in such physical pain he streams in agony.
Only change thus far, is terminating the cholestrol medication, he is amazingly great!
Tomorrow, another large piece to work on. Neurologist from VA, with the assigned RN are coming in morning to evaluate his medications and see what can be done to relieve the pain and bring him comfort.
PLEASE--
pray for peace and lots of pieces fitting together here!!!
so I will keep y'lll posted, remember, lots of scraps can and do make an amazing quilt! peace to all.
OK, for an update: As you may know, last week, Nicholas agreed to a referral to Suncoast Hospice for palliative care, his physical pain is not responding to the medications he is prescribed and his general physical health continues to decline. He is weary, I do not know how else to describe it.
So, the thought came to me, write a blog, nothing fancy and no beautiful graphics, etc. just information to those who may be interested. I am struggling with the daily tasks and watching with acceptance yet hesitation this process unfold.
Today, after waiting for almost 9 months for an opening, he was admitted to Home-Based Primary Care through the VA. This means they will come to him for medical appointments, since he now is confined to our home. The ARNP was here from 12 til almost 2, he is exhausted however was able to respond to all her questions,etc.
The ARNP, as part of the admission paperwork, spoke to him about the DNRO, and he asked questions, etc. He willingly signed for her, so now that is one less thing, another piece of this life quilt, taken care of.
This referral will mean visits from PT, OT, social worker, psychologist, lab, etc. the entire resources of the VA will be brought to him, not him to them! Thank You GOD!
Followed, another miracle, a piece for peace, in that the VA psychiatrist made a telephone appointment followup for him, in lieu of trying to physically get him to St. Petersburg.
I spoke with the psychiatrist, and fully understand the complications or not that may result in a change in his pain medications with his psychotropic meds. I emphatically believe that Nicholas should not live his days in such physical pain he streams in agony.
Only change thus far, is terminating the cholestrol medication, he is amazingly great!
Tomorrow, another large piece to work on. Neurologist from VA, with the assigned RN are coming in morning to evaluate his medications and see what can be done to relieve the pain and bring him comfort.
PLEASE--
pray for peace and lots of pieces fitting together here!!!
so I will keep y'lll posted, remember, lots of scraps can and do make an amazing quilt! peace to all.
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