June 30. Late Sunday night
Hard day and tried to be brave and strong, and channel the strength and fortitude of Cinderella as her life took many twists and turns, then PC came and they lived happily ever after......
Think I need to write a sequel. And YES we did live happily ever after and I shall love PC for eternality and beyond!
Now details, there is a website on legacy.com, then you must search within that site, enter his name and you will find information, kindly started by my daughter-in-law Carolyn. There you may leave journal messages, memories and thoughts you wish to share.
I wrote his obituary this afternoon, and cried through every word, had to keep leaving computer to do something else, but finally got it in draft. My brother is here, helping hold me together, reminding me to breathe and sent the draft to his son to review, edit, etc. and now think after a final read in morning, it will be ready for publication. I found a picture of him smiling, and now it is posted also.
Also, Sylvan Abbey has posted his information for details.
Internment at Sylvan Abbey Mausoleum, Sunset Point Road, Clearwater at 10:00 am in Thursday. July 3; with military honors, followed by a memorial mass/service at St. John's Episcopal Church, Clearwater 11:30 am, luncheon following. This will be a celebration of his joy and life.
I would appreciate, if at all possible you could come and help me honor PC one last moment in our eternity, especially at the church. I come from a small biological family, and have built you, my family, here in this community.
Peace. Mac
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Assembly and details to follow day 7954
Sunday, June 29, 2014
On yesterday, June 28, PC transitioned peacefully to rest in the care and loving arms of his God and his faith surrounding him.
Now, without clear directions written, only guided by faith, friends and my community, I have entered an new world, trying to piece together the complications and challenges of merging pieces with wishes, pieces with bias, pieces with history than needs honoring, and most importantly peace with God and the wishes of my charming prince.
Through the help of the SunCoast Hospice. was able to obtain the last rights service from a
Russian Orthodox Church. Father Igor came, and conducted, in Russian, the mass for the departing.
It was beautiful, even as I stood, appropriately dressed in long skirt out of deep respect for their tradition and prayed for PC's peace. During the service, the ceremony, ritual robes, an associated miscellaneous ritual items, PC was peaceful. He appeared to relax and his face return to a calm stance, appeared with no pain.
Fr Igor was most gracious, and kind, even knowing I am Eposcopalian, said belief is important, and that there is only one God, practice what you believe and be true to it. Parted with offer to help me in coming weeks, months, or years if ever I needed. So kind! Nothing like I have witnessed before!
Afterwards things appeared to be a blur for me, sorry. His rapid decline was peaceful and calm. My friend came to stay with me, at Hospice, a promise she made Nick and I over seven years ago, while my little sis, DB, took the responsibility to caring for Diva Feisty.
Although this may not seem important, Feisty represents the love and companionship of my present life, and her dedication to PC was witnessed by all as she would sit by him hours after hour trying to make him better.
I have been a nervous wreck, and would not have expected this. I was told, repeatedly the last nine plus years, that PC would pass, guess I got so used to it, did not really believe it in my mind, only my soul. Felt it happening, as two of my friends were with me here at the house, had unbelievable feeling of separation, like something was pulling, slowly away, around 11:00 pm.
We had planned to back that night. Called PC's nurse and he said all was well at 11, , told him of my feeling and said he would keep my informed...well, he called about 7 minutes to 12 and said best to come back.
Got dress and headed out, friend drove, since I was not able, shaking and chest bone throbbing...not heart located, in center. Got there in record time, 30 minutes, and walked into his room. All leaned over to kiss him and could not feel a pulse, my chest immediately stopped throbbing, then I thought I must be mistaken , so had friend feel his other arm while I checked carotid in neck, nothing, only the flow of oxygen and the feel of his pacemaker running. She went to get CNA and RN..he had passed into heaven!
Rest in peace Prince Charming. I do and shall always love and respect you. you are one in a trillion, a man with the kindest heart and spirit I have ever known. You overcame so much in your life, and was able to smile, an infectious smile that shone like a light for all to see the real you, not the pain stricken, PTSD effected, COPA, CHF and arthritis ridden physical body.
I shall always love my Prince Charming, and always be your Cinderella.
Brother arrived tonight, so now details can be worked out. I needed family help, so thankful he volunteered. What a great southern gentlemen toss practical, logical and loving! The true deal, love you, bro.
Will let all you are interested know on arrangements.
Mac
Exist
On yesterday, June 28, PC transitioned peacefully to rest in the care and loving arms of his God and his faith surrounding him.
Now, without clear directions written, only guided by faith, friends and my community, I have entered an new world, trying to piece together the complications and challenges of merging pieces with wishes, pieces with bias, pieces with history than needs honoring, and most importantly peace with God and the wishes of my charming prince.
Through the help of the SunCoast Hospice. was able to obtain the last rights service from a
Russian Orthodox Church. Father Igor came, and conducted, in Russian, the mass for the departing.
It was beautiful, even as I stood, appropriately dressed in long skirt out of deep respect for their tradition and prayed for PC's peace. During the service, the ceremony, ritual robes, an associated miscellaneous ritual items, PC was peaceful. He appeared to relax and his face return to a calm stance, appeared with no pain.
Fr Igor was most gracious, and kind, even knowing I am Eposcopalian, said belief is important, and that there is only one God, practice what you believe and be true to it. Parted with offer to help me in coming weeks, months, or years if ever I needed. So kind! Nothing like I have witnessed before!
Afterwards things appeared to be a blur for me, sorry. His rapid decline was peaceful and calm. My friend came to stay with me, at Hospice, a promise she made Nick and I over seven years ago, while my little sis, DB, took the responsibility to caring for Diva Feisty.
Although this may not seem important, Feisty represents the love and companionship of my present life, and her dedication to PC was witnessed by all as she would sit by him hours after hour trying to make him better.
I have been a nervous wreck, and would not have expected this. I was told, repeatedly the last nine plus years, that PC would pass, guess I got so used to it, did not really believe it in my mind, only my soul. Felt it happening, as two of my friends were with me here at the house, had unbelievable feeling of separation, like something was pulling, slowly away, around 11:00 pm.
We had planned to back that night. Called PC's nurse and he said all was well at 11, , told him of my feeling and said he would keep my informed...well, he called about 7 minutes to 12 and said best to come back.
Got dress and headed out, friend drove, since I was not able, shaking and chest bone throbbing...not heart located, in center. Got there in record time, 30 minutes, and walked into his room. All leaned over to kiss him and could not feel a pulse, my chest immediately stopped throbbing, then I thought I must be mistaken , so had friend feel his other arm while I checked carotid in neck, nothing, only the flow of oxygen and the feel of his pacemaker running. She went to get CNA and RN..he had passed into heaven!
Rest in peace Prince Charming. I do and shall always love and respect you. you are one in a trillion, a man with the kindest heart and spirit I have ever known. You overcame so much in your life, and was able to smile, an infectious smile that shone like a light for all to see the real you, not the pain stricken, PTSD effected, COPA, CHF and arthritis ridden physical body.
I shall always love my Prince Charming, and always be your Cinderella.
Brother arrived tonight, so now details can be worked out. I needed family help, so thankful he volunteered. What a great southern gentlemen toss practical, logical and loving! The true deal, love you, bro.
Will let all you are interested know on arrangements.
Mac
Exist
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Not always easy, some experience needed!
Tuesday. Late evening
A day to remember.
.. And now my PC is in a SunCoast Care Center. He agreed with primary care doctor, so now care and comfort measures only. Took all day but when I left SunCoast it was about ten. They gave him pain and anxiety meds, so kisses good night and came home. All electronic devices without energy and no chargers with me, so only now have them charging
. God's peace to all and pray for PC to find his peace and his pieces to meld into his faith and strength to finish the battle with grace and peace which only comes through his faith in God's peace in his heart and soul.
Sad day but trusting in my faith.
And believe this is the right path. No curves, no bias, and heavy starch applied. Played his favorite song on iPad all afternoon, words sad, but he loves it....Harbor Lights by Guy Lombardo. Read the lyrics and you will understand.
Mac
A day to remember.
.. And now my PC is in a SunCoast Care Center. He agreed with primary care doctor, so now care and comfort measures only. Took all day but when I left SunCoast it was about ten. They gave him pain and anxiety meds, so kisses good night and came home. All electronic devices without energy and no chargers with me, so only now have them charging
. God's peace to all and pray for PC to find his peace and his pieces to meld into his faith and strength to finish the battle with grace and peace which only comes through his faith in God's peace in his heart and soul.
Sad day but trusting in my faith.
And believe this is the right path. No curves, no bias, and heavy starch applied. Played his favorite song on iPad all afternoon, words sad, but he loves it....Harbor Lights by Guy Lombardo. Read the lyrics and you will understand.
Mac
Monday, June 23, 2014
Bobbin empty, got to rewind!
Monday, June 23, 2013
Sadly the path has become more twisted..biased and crooked. Then again, as a scrappy quilter, it merely presents a new unique challenge ...I think!
PC breathing and fluid in lungs building up. I, after discussing with PC, Hospice nurse, who came for a visit, and social workers..both MP and Hospice.. listened to the opinions. One option is to suction the fluid, however once started it must be repeated..PC said, and repeated to me his understanding of what this means. And does not want this option.
Then PCP came and spoke honestly and directly to PC, told him if unwilling to get up, to sit up or try physical therapy then it will only get worst. PC repeated he is tired of fighting and just weary, ready.
PCP spoke to me in hallway, and I have 24 hours to decide if we go with care and comfort medications only. Looks like no discharge today. And hope for any improvement rapidly disappearing down the scrap bin, crumb bucket, circular file.
Pulmonary hospitalist next visited, and said lots of fluid in his lungs.. blah, blah, blah...
PC spoke to me. And apologized for not being able to try anymore. Told him, without him seeing me crying, that I did and would always understand. And. Would love him for all eternity and beyond. Seemed to help him, and he fell peacefully asleep now doing my selfish writing.
May pieces either work together or .....
Peace, that omnipresent force is offering crumbs, strips and bits to put together. Pray for guidance!
Mac
Sadly the path has become more twisted..biased and crooked. Then again, as a scrappy quilter, it merely presents a new unique challenge ...I think!
PC breathing and fluid in lungs building up. I, after discussing with PC, Hospice nurse, who came for a visit, and social workers..both MP and Hospice.. listened to the opinions. One option is to suction the fluid, however once started it must be repeated..PC said, and repeated to me his understanding of what this means. And does not want this option.
Then PCP came and spoke honestly and directly to PC, told him if unwilling to get up, to sit up or try physical therapy then it will only get worst. PC repeated he is tired of fighting and just weary, ready.
PCP spoke to me in hallway, and I have 24 hours to decide if we go with care and comfort medications only. Looks like no discharge today. And hope for any improvement rapidly disappearing down the scrap bin, crumb bucket, circular file.
Pulmonary hospitalist next visited, and said lots of fluid in his lungs.. blah, blah, blah...
PC spoke to me. And apologized for not being able to try anymore. Told him, without him seeing me crying, that I did and would always understand. And. Would love him for all eternity and beyond. Seemed to help him, and he fell peacefully asleep now doing my selfish writing.
May pieces either work together or .....
Peace, that omnipresent force is offering crumbs, strips and bits to put together. Pray for guidance!
Mac
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Where or where has my bobbin gone?
Sunday Night, June 22, 2014
Lots happening, many options, although starting to be reduced. First, PC is still in hospital, pneumonia taking a blow to his strength. Not able to stand for PT (physical therapy) so they are working on leg lifts and arm flexing, he appears rather frustrated and just wants to return home and be left in peace.
I did remind him that this starts with his request to be transported to VA in Saint Petersburg, and they it has taken on a life of its own...he said he knew, and was so sorry, then closed his eyes and shut the world out.
So that is that! please, no plans in place yet. Had a placement secured, if PT felt there was a chance , so for now, awaiting tomorrow.
Good news, however is he has been placed on waiting list for Florida Veterans Home in Land o Lakes, FL, but his placement on list has changed to fifth. I have a message, to be picked up in morning to director of admissions to inform her of medical change. So tomorrow looks just as busy as my usual pace. Honestly, this takes a long time, but PC is well worth the effort!
have an appointment with social worker at hospital, to teleconference VA social worker and see what options may be available now, that he is more stable on some of the medications.
And I am reviewing the list of vetted facilities my BFF/little sis and a RN friend have produced. Most are full, but I will keep working my way down list.
Went to church this am, and tried to "act as if" all is ok, but honestly it is not. There was an ECW meeting afterwards, I tried to sit still and attend, but had to leave.
Just need quiet time, and had scheduled meeting with Hospice nurse. Came home earlier than my usual, walked the dog, played with her till she was tired, then went to my scrap creations, trying to figure something or anything out, making slow progress but honestly, this may never leave my house! No matter how I try and cut and recut to get some order, it resists. So, think it is God's way of reminding me I can not make a giraffe become an elephant! Or as my dad would say..you can not make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Always thought was so strange, think I understand better now.
Silk is very hard to work with, it also has a mind of its own!
Somewhat reminiscent of a crazy quilt I made right after my world changed here in
Clearwater, now almost 25 years ago! Things certainly became calmer, safer and less stressful, I meditated this eve on how things have improved, and KNOW this is the path I must trod, and I am not doing it alone.
I finished that quilt, and noticed the bright, clear and open spaces within it. Today it means to much, and is safely packed away, only to be viewed or remembered for my rejoicing!
Someone said to me that this blog is selfish and I have been reflecting on that. Yes, maybe selfish. But then why NOT? I have spent the majority of my life caring about and for others. Maybe time to
care for me, to find where and who I am, honestly look at all the wrinkles, freckles, age marks, plain old chicken fat, and accept...and know that with the grace of GOD anything is possible, and HE will help me through, and has placed amazing people in my life to love and support me. Just knowing they are there makes this all doable!
May your peace come, not through piecing, but through faith and hope!
Mac
Lots happening, many options, although starting to be reduced. First, PC is still in hospital, pneumonia taking a blow to his strength. Not able to stand for PT (physical therapy) so they are working on leg lifts and arm flexing, he appears rather frustrated and just wants to return home and be left in peace.
I did remind him that this starts with his request to be transported to VA in Saint Petersburg, and they it has taken on a life of its own...he said he knew, and was so sorry, then closed his eyes and shut the world out.
So that is that! please, no plans in place yet. Had a placement secured, if PT felt there was a chance , so for now, awaiting tomorrow.
Good news, however is he has been placed on waiting list for Florida Veterans Home in Land o Lakes, FL, but his placement on list has changed to fifth. I have a message, to be picked up in morning to director of admissions to inform her of medical change. So tomorrow looks just as busy as my usual pace. Honestly, this takes a long time, but PC is well worth the effort!
have an appointment with social worker at hospital, to teleconference VA social worker and see what options may be available now, that he is more stable on some of the medications.
And I am reviewing the list of vetted facilities my BFF/little sis and a RN friend have produced. Most are full, but I will keep working my way down list.
Went to church this am, and tried to "act as if" all is ok, but honestly it is not. There was an ECW meeting afterwards, I tried to sit still and attend, but had to leave.
Just need quiet time, and had scheduled meeting with Hospice nurse. Came home earlier than my usual, walked the dog, played with her till she was tired, then went to my scrap creations, trying to figure something or anything out, making slow progress but honestly, this may never leave my house! No matter how I try and cut and recut to get some order, it resists. So, think it is God's way of reminding me I can not make a giraffe become an elephant! Or as my dad would say..you can not make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Always thought was so strange, think I understand better now.
Silk is very hard to work with, it also has a mind of its own!
Somewhat reminiscent of a crazy quilt I made right after my world changed here in
Clearwater, now almost 25 years ago! Things certainly became calmer, safer and less stressful, I meditated this eve on how things have improved, and KNOW this is the path I must trod, and I am not doing it alone.
I finished that quilt, and noticed the bright, clear and open spaces within it. Today it means to much, and is safely packed away, only to be viewed or remembered for my rejoicing!
Someone said to me that this blog is selfish and I have been reflecting on that. Yes, maybe selfish. But then why NOT? I have spent the majority of my life caring about and for others. Maybe time to
care for me, to find where and who I am, honestly look at all the wrinkles, freckles, age marks, plain old chicken fat, and accept...and know that with the grace of GOD anything is possible, and HE will help me through, and has placed amazing people in my life to love and support me. Just knowing they are there makes this all doable!
May your peace come, not through piecing, but through faith and hope!
Mac
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
There but for the Grace of God!
Wednesday, June 18
Awoke to telephone call from SNF this am|: PC struggling to breathe and 911 called, he was already in transistor to Morton Plant Hospital. By time I go there, less than20 minutes after I got the call, he was being monitored, on 13 liter flow of oxygen through full face mask, chest X-ray being done, labs drawn. Their immediate response was wonderful. Met with his doctor, said he was very fragile and they were being as careful as possible. Positive labs for pneumonia.
So, as sun sets on this rainy day, he is stable, oxygen level still very about 12 liters, usually was at about 2.5 to 3, diagnosis pneumonia and some unusual heart enzymes..not typical of heart attack..being followed. His skin is fragile and doctor ordered a pic (spelling) line/port into his right shoulder into this chest, so need for trying to draw blood in veins they can not find easily without causing pain.
I was present, holding his left arm, and using meditative force to push wire into his body, since team was struggling to get it into his body. The wire/lead kept moving up to his carotid,,asked RN if I could try, thought he would freak out, but had to remove right glove, but used heat of love and my fingers to have it (the thin wire) move down, down...it worked!
Of course, I was visualizing, not actually touching inside his body...symbolically of course...sterile draping everywhere...good team, professional and handled his anxiety well. RN said "I do not know how you did that, but it worked, next attempt would have been him unconscious and surgery to implant."
Amazing, I learned and practice many forms of meditation for years. Always grateful for meditative methods learned and practiced many years ago, if only I could make everything work...
NO, do not want that much!
If constantly,, too much, to want that, now I am really totally exhausted, takes a lot of love, stress and mental strength with intense concentration, which I have not practiced in many years.
As I left, to return with additional documents from recent VA admission, thank you GOD for having me to that big application last week, I was able to get it quickly and return to hospital. Now they can compare the heart and lung function for last few months.
I am home, showered and already in bed, about to go to sleep...Feisty is curled up on my legs. Really did me in today!
Pieces that seem to merely be strange, unworkable, not connected, and of not significance, can and do come in handy when needed. My soul sings with peace and exhaustion.
Thank you Grammy Martin for helping myself and my spirit, and my mom for her encouragement to learn any and everything I was ever curious about, however to always stay of the good, GOD.
Peace with lots of scrappy pieces! Mac
Awoke to telephone call from SNF this am|: PC struggling to breathe and 911 called, he was already in transistor to Morton Plant Hospital. By time I go there, less than20 minutes after I got the call, he was being monitored, on 13 liter flow of oxygen through full face mask, chest X-ray being done, labs drawn. Their immediate response was wonderful. Met with his doctor, said he was very fragile and they were being as careful as possible. Positive labs for pneumonia.
So, as sun sets on this rainy day, he is stable, oxygen level still very about 12 liters, usually was at about 2.5 to 3, diagnosis pneumonia and some unusual heart enzymes..not typical of heart attack..being followed. His skin is fragile and doctor ordered a pic (spelling) line/port into his right shoulder into this chest, so need for trying to draw blood in veins they can not find easily without causing pain.
I was present, holding his left arm, and using meditative force to push wire into his body, since team was struggling to get it into his body. The wire/lead kept moving up to his carotid,,asked RN if I could try, thought he would freak out, but had to remove right glove, but used heat of love and my fingers to have it (the thin wire) move down, down...it worked!
Of course, I was visualizing, not actually touching inside his body...symbolically of course...sterile draping everywhere...good team, professional and handled his anxiety well. RN said "I do not know how you did that, but it worked, next attempt would have been him unconscious and surgery to implant."
Amazing, I learned and practice many forms of meditation for years. Always grateful for meditative methods learned and practiced many years ago, if only I could make everything work...
NO, do not want that much!
If constantly,, too much, to want that, now I am really totally exhausted, takes a lot of love, stress and mental strength with intense concentration, which I have not practiced in many years.
As I left, to return with additional documents from recent VA admission, thank you GOD for having me to that big application last week, I was able to get it quickly and return to hospital. Now they can compare the heart and lung function for last few months.
I am home, showered and already in bed, about to go to sleep...Feisty is curled up on my legs. Really did me in today!
Pieces that seem to merely be strange, unworkable, not connected, and of not significance, can and do come in handy when needed. My soul sings with peace and exhaustion.
Thank you Grammy Martin for helping myself and my spirit, and my mom for her encouragement to learn any and everything I was ever curious about, however to always stay of the good, GOD.
Peace with lots of scrappy pieces! Mac
Monday, June 16, 2014
Where has the time, energy and scrappy bits gone?
Friday, June 13
PC, my hero may be with other heroes!!!!
This is a selfish rambling, so forgive, skip, or just don't trouble yourself if too much information.
Drove to Florida VA facility, Land O Lakes for interview, official tour, and to submit application packet. Done, done, and done. Only took about three <3> yep, three hours, with heavy only Florida can produce rain, if you have not ever witnessed, it appears that the rain comes in all directions at same time, even up!!! Rain lightened up, so after leaving home a little after nine, I stopped to see PC, then home and sleep, peaceful sleep with Feisty curled up right beside me.
Great facility, now his application is being submitted to their review committee, will know in one to two weeks if acceptable, then onto the waiting list. I honestly can say it appears the nicest place of similar those I have ever seen!
Heard, at last parting comment, that if he returns home, then process must be started again, and he will not be on a VA transfer placement priority..which could mean up to year or more wait. So, now quandary of how to tell him, if tell him and when to let him know. Think IF I can, do not discuss until word back on acceptance.
As an aside, PC has been accepted again for Suncoast Hospice, so only GOD knows what is the path that is being presented, and must be followed. I pray for guidance and strength.
Trying to draw in The inner strength of the strongest female I have ever known,my mom. She loved and cared for my dad by herself for many years, hour ran the family, the church, and kept two
children happy! We never knew the extent of her efforts, and I shall always regret that I did not/could not help her more. I always thought she just catered to him, now know she kept him grounded.
So Friday ended..
Absolutely exhausted, fell asleep on guest bed for short nap with Feisty, and awoke four hours later, only to go back to sleep, till 11:30 am Saturday,..whew, only a few hours sleep and the stress do all this really was worth the effort. interviewer told me rarely does anyone present with their application packet complete on first visit!! Thank you education for keeping me up nights to study and understand processes.
Saturday..Feisty and I got up only to care for absolutely immediate personal needs, and finally started our day at 2:30 . Showered, and dressed, went to see PC. Stayed a couple of hrs, then home, and to bed before my usual midnight.
Sunday, Fathers Day! Went by early to see PC before church and found him "not good", so after calling appropriate sources, got backup and attention for hm. I went to church, and was back at facility by 11:30, stayed till after 6 pm, and will only relate that I was somewhat successful in advocating for him and additional pain and anxiety medications. He only wants PEACE, and I have promised I will do all I can to make that happen.
Since he likes dark room, and was trying to rest, I took visitor chair to doorway, to get light to read, and it seems to have been successful, PC said he felt protected and safe, so slept most of afternoon. And staff was very attentive..I wonder if my presence had anything to do with that??
Anyway, mission accomplished. If this change is not effective then possibly back to Suncoast Care Center for pain and anxiety medication rebalancing.
And. ..Not sure what that will do with VA priority placement..but as I have tried to practice, not always successfully, take it one piece at a time, place that piece to next one, and keep going!
So, spent some time looking at the very random, therapy scrap pieces i have done over last month, and one block has 57 pieces...the number of pages in application..and even more interesting, the larger piece has 217 pieces, the number of total pages in packet! PC will be 81 this July, and one section has 81 pieces, and I will be....????....And there is a piece with that number also....honestly, it was scary, but true, so just turned the light off and left the scraps to meld into whatever is next....
Pieces are doing something amazing and I must trust the process..and remember, even GOD took six days and then had to rest! So who am I to even think Incan understand....
.....I await.....
Peace prevails even as understanding may be lagging.
Mac
PC, my hero may be with other heroes!!!!
This is a selfish rambling, so forgive, skip, or just don't trouble yourself if too much information.
Drove to Florida VA facility, Land O Lakes for interview, official tour, and to submit application packet. Done, done, and done. Only took about three <3> yep, three hours, with heavy only Florida can produce rain, if you have not ever witnessed, it appears that the rain comes in all directions at same time, even up!!! Rain lightened up, so after leaving home a little after nine, I stopped to see PC, then home and sleep, peaceful sleep with Feisty curled up right beside me.
Great facility, now his application is being submitted to their review committee, will know in one to two weeks if acceptable, then onto the waiting list. I honestly can say it appears the nicest place of similar those I have ever seen!
Heard, at last parting comment, that if he returns home, then process must be started again, and he will not be on a VA transfer placement priority..which could mean up to year or more wait. So, now quandary of how to tell him, if tell him and when to let him know. Think IF I can, do not discuss until word back on acceptance.
As an aside, PC has been accepted again for Suncoast Hospice, so only GOD knows what is the path that is being presented, and must be followed. I pray for guidance and strength.
Trying to draw in The inner strength of the strongest female I have ever known,my mom. She loved and cared for my dad by herself for many years, hour ran the family, the church, and kept two
children happy! We never knew the extent of her efforts, and I shall always regret that I did not/could not help her more. I always thought she just catered to him, now know she kept him grounded.
So Friday ended..
Absolutely exhausted, fell asleep on guest bed for short nap with Feisty, and awoke four hours later, only to go back to sleep, till 11:30 am Saturday,..whew, only a few hours sleep and the stress do all this really was worth the effort. interviewer told me rarely does anyone present with their application packet complete on first visit!! Thank you education for keeping me up nights to study and understand processes.
Saturday..Feisty and I got up only to care for absolutely immediate personal needs, and finally started our day at 2:30 . Showered, and dressed, went to see PC. Stayed a couple of hrs, then home, and to bed before my usual midnight.
Sunday, Fathers Day! Went by early to see PC before church and found him "not good", so after calling appropriate sources, got backup and attention for hm. I went to church, and was back at facility by 11:30, stayed till after 6 pm, and will only relate that I was somewhat successful in advocating for him and additional pain and anxiety medications. He only wants PEACE, and I have promised I will do all I can to make that happen.
Since he likes dark room, and was trying to rest, I took visitor chair to doorway, to get light to read, and it seems to have been successful, PC said he felt protected and safe, so slept most of afternoon. And staff was very attentive..I wonder if my presence had anything to do with that??
Anyway, mission accomplished. If this change is not effective then possibly back to Suncoast Care Center for pain and anxiety medication rebalancing.
And. ..Not sure what that will do with VA priority placement..but as I have tried to practice, not always successfully, take it one piece at a time, place that piece to next one, and keep going!
So, spent some time looking at the very random, therapy scrap pieces i have done over last month, and one block has 57 pieces...the number of pages in application..and even more interesting, the larger piece has 217 pieces, the number of total pages in packet! PC will be 81 this July, and one section has 81 pieces, and I will be....????....And there is a piece with that number also....honestly, it was scary, but true, so just turned the light off and left the scraps to meld into whatever is next....
Pieces are doing something amazing and I must trust the process..and remember, even GOD took six days and then had to rest! So who am I to even think Incan understand....
.....I await.....
Peace prevails even as understanding may be lagging.
Mac
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Sadly, killed a few trees today!
Thursday evening, or early Friday dependent upon your perception
..but then, isn't everything about our perception, which becomes our reality, which becomes our belief system and until then governs our actions, which circle back to our perceptions.
Finally got the 56 page document completed to take to Land o Lakes facility tomorrow to review if possibly beat place for PC, know there is a waiting list if he qualifies, but will try.
PC is doing better, speech therapist told me his short term memory is improving. Is eating regular diet, and requested Taco Bell, his new favorite junk food., followed closely by any kind of fresh made pizza!
Feisty is very sad, do not think that short visit with PC was good for her, or her internal digestive system, she has been upset since last night.
Was doing final review of application, it now totals over 200 pages! Yep, you read it correctly, with all the supporting information. As I reviewed, slowly, all documents, and discovered I copied some outdated documents, needed those from 2009, not the 2008 ones I so carefully arranged. So the poor little copier here at house got to struggle and burp! But it got done! And a backup copy of all "just in case" things get lost.
SNF is being terrific, and very attentive to him since I spoke to everyone about the quality of his care. Had to take new clothing over, appears he is being washing and changed at least three times a day! I do his laundry with special detergent for sensitive skin, so elect to bring home and do. Did enough to last, at current rate, two days!
Please remember my sister in law, her brother passed away this week, So bro and SIL flew from Houston today for a services, and are due back in Houston to celebrate the grand baby first Father's Day!
Got to close, nothing out of ordinary, for which I am eternally grateful.
May the seams with bias get heavy starch. And comply with your intersections!
Pieces and peace out...Mac
..but then, isn't everything about our perception, which becomes our reality, which becomes our belief system and until then governs our actions, which circle back to our perceptions.
Finally got the 56 page document completed to take to Land o Lakes facility tomorrow to review if possibly beat place for PC, know there is a waiting list if he qualifies, but will try.
PC is doing better, speech therapist told me his short term memory is improving. Is eating regular diet, and requested Taco Bell, his new favorite junk food., followed closely by any kind of fresh made pizza!
Feisty is very sad, do not think that short visit with PC was good for her, or her internal digestive system, she has been upset since last night.
Was doing final review of application, it now totals over 200 pages! Yep, you read it correctly, with all the supporting information. As I reviewed, slowly, all documents, and discovered I copied some outdated documents, needed those from 2009, not the 2008 ones I so carefully arranged. So the poor little copier here at house got to struggle and burp! But it got done! And a backup copy of all "just in case" things get lost.
SNF is being terrific, and very attentive to him since I spoke to everyone about the quality of his care. Had to take new clothing over, appears he is being washing and changed at least three times a day! I do his laundry with special detergent for sensitive skin, so elect to bring home and do. Did enough to last, at current rate, two days!
Please remember my sister in law, her brother passed away this week, So bro and SIL flew from Houston today for a services, and are due back in Houston to celebrate the grand baby first Father's Day!
Got to close, nothing out of ordinary, for which I am eternally grateful.
May the seams with bias get heavy starch. And comply with your intersections!
Pieces and peace out...Mac
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
If we only knew, we would still love!
Wednesday night,
Sorry for all the typos in the previous posting. I was crying during most of the typing and trying to keep Feisty from licking the tears off my face. In a way, must have been hilarious, and is especially funny when I read it a few minutes ago.
Hey, who said southern belles know grammar?
Heard a joke yesterday that really cracked me up....and y'all need to ask my bud Carla to repeat, afraid it would offend some sensitivities!!!! Lol
News of day, all but five supporting documents are ready to be copied. Learned tonight that a dormant account at the credit union, although still open and a little money in it, will not provide you a printable statement, online, and I need last three months, so of I go to GFCU tomorrow. Then to copy machine. Yea, I am so happy. Thought I would never reach page 56!
Another thing I discovered, my PC has kept records, medical, psychiatric, legal, etc back to at least 1971! Thought that filing cabinet was somewhat full, now know the reason. There was a detailed Family Questionnaire I was to complete, and the documents really helped, and anything I could not find I noted "before my knowledge or resources". First time, then only BMKOR, that should at least give a government worker the thrill of the day.
PC is wanting desperately to come home! Scary! And said he was tired of hearing how I am afraid, so I shut up! I am a good Cinderella, she was always thinking and never let her situation hold her emotional spirit down.
This morning when I mentioned, as suggested by wonderful (!) social worker to remind him at least two weeks here then transfer to a long term facility ...well, let's just say it was NOT pleasant. I smiled, the truly fake smile, said I will back, and home I came to await the water softener man, transistor needs replacing, so I worked on exciting documents!
Yesterday he was all excited about the Land o Lakes facility, now only wants to come home, and have me to care for him. Maybe four hours day with help...you can rest assured I will be speaking with doctors, social worker, etc to determine best and most appropriate course of action. No other details yet! Know nothing can or will be done until next week.
Financially ran the numbers and know that there is enough to care for him. Thinking of taking in ironing! Lol, lol,,,,you know I wear old tee shirts and yoga pants, right?
Word of advice to all, love your PC, beyond comprehension, but keep your own funds separate and separated, and DO NOT QUIT working, as I did in December, 2013 to care for him. Well, actually I went from 2 full time jobs, Dean on Distance Learning and Quality at a university, .and a
Art time job as a CARF behavioral health national surveyor plus private practice to twelve hours a week for the last nine years, and we have made it! With the grace if God, and Southern Scots-Irish roots! PC has never wanted for anything...something to be proud of. And he always had money for what he wanted!
Enough selfishness, I hope y'all have a spirit filled day now.
Mac.
Sorry for all the typos in the previous posting. I was crying during most of the typing and trying to keep Feisty from licking the tears off my face. In a way, must have been hilarious, and is especially funny when I read it a few minutes ago.
Hey, who said southern belles know grammar?
Heard a joke yesterday that really cracked me up....and y'all need to ask my bud Carla to repeat, afraid it would offend some sensitivities!!!! Lol
News of day, all but five supporting documents are ready to be copied. Learned tonight that a dormant account at the credit union, although still open and a little money in it, will not provide you a printable statement, online, and I need last three months, so of I go to GFCU tomorrow. Then to copy machine. Yea, I am so happy. Thought I would never reach page 56!
Another thing I discovered, my PC has kept records, medical, psychiatric, legal, etc back to at least 1971! Thought that filing cabinet was somewhat full, now know the reason. There was a detailed Family Questionnaire I was to complete, and the documents really helped, and anything I could not find I noted "before my knowledge or resources". First time, then only BMKOR, that should at least give a government worker the thrill of the day.
PC is wanting desperately to come home! Scary! And said he was tired of hearing how I am afraid, so I shut up! I am a good Cinderella, she was always thinking and never let her situation hold her emotional spirit down.
This morning when I mentioned, as suggested by wonderful (!) social worker to remind him at least two weeks here then transfer to a long term facility ...well, let's just say it was NOT pleasant. I smiled, the truly fake smile, said I will back, and home I came to await the water softener man, transistor needs replacing, so I worked on exciting documents!
Yesterday he was all excited about the Land o Lakes facility, now only wants to come home, and have me to care for him. Maybe four hours day with help...you can rest assured I will be speaking with doctors, social worker, etc to determine best and most appropriate course of action. No other details yet! Know nothing can or will be done until next week.
Financially ran the numbers and know that there is enough to care for him. Thinking of taking in ironing! Lol, lol,,,,you know I wear old tee shirts and yoga pants, right?
Word of advice to all, love your PC, beyond comprehension, but keep your own funds separate and separated, and DO NOT QUIT working, as I did in December, 2013 to care for him. Well, actually I went from 2 full time jobs, Dean on Distance Learning and Quality at a university, .and a
Art time job as a CARF behavioral health national surveyor plus private practice to twelve hours a week for the last nine years, and we have made it! With the grace if God, and Southern Scots-Irish roots! PC has never wanted for anything...something to be proud of. And he always had money for what he wanted!
Enough selfishness, I hope y'all have a spirit filled day now.
Mac.
Trying again,,,,
Tuesday, June
Guess I am sensitive like Miss Scarlett, to comment from a significant
person of PC and edited the blog to make it more palatable to person and friends.
so I hope this been accomplished and made said person feel less exposure.
I need to invite and encourage understanding with note to real family secrets or scandals, only t share what my PC has been telling others for years, there is no shame or embarrassment in PTSD, GAD or vascular dementia caused primarily by a reduction to the flow of blood to the brain., it is the second( only behind Alzheimer's) affecting us as we age. He has been telling all and how to treat or prevent...he was the poster child for reasons to not smoke nor working constantly to get ahead. So there, I am doing it!
New of day...great day, visit to SNF
this am before breakfast to check on his care, after my "come to Jesus" of yesterday from the aide to the director of nursing, and chairman of board...well he was cleaned, dressed, changed and ready for breakfast...looked like himself!
I went to quilting class this afternoon, and laughed and laughed, we are so funny. And so do we NOT take anyone or anyone seriously. Think I have made a potential scrap quilter from one of them, she is struggling but doing its, and it is beautiful!
Came home. Working in the Florida VA application, 56 pages which require supporting documents, trying to get ready tomorrow and copy, recheck on. Thursday and I have an appointment on Friday afternoon to turn it in and have the interview and original it is amazing he has materials delivered.
We wait for medical social, clergy, and pray, different medical specialists to review the compete document before they will decide on his acceptance in facility, which means on a waiting list for two to four months!
I want to have it done tomorrow and copied. So I can recheck on Friday am before leaving as I have a 2:00 pm appointment, wish me luck, and angels opening doors!
PC is starting speaking of coming home,,,,a fear for me.because of what happened last Saturday,,,,and I honestly do not think I or any one person could care for him 24 hours a day, time will tell! pray this is not the recommendation for him...
took Feisty,.his dog over for a ten minute visit in her scroller tonight, PC a appeared to like it...she was a lady during the time.
And lastly, just wanted to let you I listened and do appreciate each and every one of you
Mac. Aka as a Manilla brown cat
and they let us know..?take. Three night so far, so to finish tomorrow???
Guess I am sensitive like Miss Scarlett, to comment from a significant
person of PC and edited the blog to make it more palatable to person and friends.
so I hope this been accomplished and made said person feel less exposure.
I need to invite and encourage understanding with note to real family secrets or scandals, only t share what my PC has been telling others for years, there is no shame or embarrassment in PTSD, GAD or vascular dementia caused primarily by a reduction to the flow of blood to the brain., it is the second( only behind Alzheimer's) affecting us as we age. He has been telling all and how to treat or prevent...he was the poster child for reasons to not smoke nor working constantly to get ahead. So there, I am doing it!
New of day...great day, visit to SNF
this am before breakfast to check on his care, after my "come to Jesus" of yesterday from the aide to the director of nursing, and chairman of board...well he was cleaned, dressed, changed and ready for breakfast...looked like himself!
I went to quilting class this afternoon, and laughed and laughed, we are so funny. And so do we NOT take anyone or anyone seriously. Think I have made a potential scrap quilter from one of them, she is struggling but doing its, and it is beautiful!
Came home. Working in the Florida VA application, 56 pages which require supporting documents, trying to get ready tomorrow and copy, recheck on. Thursday and I have an appointment on Friday afternoon to turn it in and have the interview and original it is amazing he has materials delivered.
We wait for medical social, clergy, and pray, different medical specialists to review the compete document before they will decide on his acceptance in facility, which means on a waiting list for two to four months!
I want to have it done tomorrow and copied. So I can recheck on Friday am before leaving as I have a 2:00 pm appointment, wish me luck, and angels opening doors!
PC is starting speaking of coming home,,,,a fear for me.because of what happened last Saturday,,,,and I honestly do not think I or any one person could care for him 24 hours a day, time will tell! pray this is not the recommendation for him...
took Feisty,.his dog over for a ten minute visit in her scroller tonight, PC a appeared to like it...she was a lady during the time.
And lastly, just wanted to let you I listened and do appreciate each and every one of you
Mac. Aka as a Manilla brown cat
and they let us know..?take. Three night so far, so to finish tomorrow???
Monday, June 9, 2014
My pieces are not fitting nicely!
Monday, June 9,2014
First let me apologize for any disrespect, dishonor or embarrassment I may have provoked by this blog. I am sincerely sorry, and shall henceforth be more circumspect in any words or writings about my PC.
Yes, I humbly beseech the person and persons I may have caused harm and ask for forgiveness.
I am attempting, to no avail this eve to modify my last name in my google profile to reflect only my unique origins, and none of PC.
Meanwhile, I am happy to report PC was sleeping/resting soundly tonight and was all snug and tucked in when I visited about 8:45,
My pieces, or cloth has been cut, now I must deal with the resulting crooked lines, misread and understood intentions of others, honestly I thought I was helping,,,,so,sorry.
This blog will end with this entry, know that I love, respect and selfishly I may have considered only my needs and not that of PC.
Peace, I pray
Mac
First let me apologize for any disrespect, dishonor or embarrassment I may have provoked by this blog. I am sincerely sorry, and shall henceforth be more circumspect in any words or writings about my PC.
Yes, I humbly beseech the person and persons I may have caused harm and ask for forgiveness.
I am attempting, to no avail this eve to modify my last name in my google profile to reflect only my unique origins, and none of PC.
Meanwhile, I am happy to report PC was sleeping/resting soundly tonight and was all snug and tucked in when I visited about 8:45,
My pieces, or cloth has been cut, now I must deal with the resulting crooked lines, misread and understood intentions of others, honestly I thought I was helping,,,,so,sorry.
This blog will end with this entry, know that I love, respect and selfishly I may have considered only my needs and not that of PC.
Peace, I pray
Mac
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Thursday June 5, 2014
What a couple of days! Lots of movement, but little action. PC is still, at this writing, in VA Medical Center, St Pete, with LPN in attendance constantly. He is never alone. Has an amazing view out his window of the gulf and boats, just not interested in looking.
Ok, news. I was asked to visit and select a skilled rehab/nursing facility for his next stop. First evaluation from a highly rated facility..was rejected after initial evaluation.
So, second tier called and sadly same result, so first five choices were eliminated. Now has been tentatively accepted at a facility near our home, dependent on physical health and in morning. He is exhausted and so I pray for his safe transition and improvement
. Went by this afternoon, and found out his white blood cell count is indicating an infection, so holding him another day. He was soft spoken and calm. Nurse said no pain meds all day.
It was nice to see him at peace, at last.
Well, must say I actually slept last night and beginning to feel like MAC again, slowly and surely. Feisty is also dong better, actually slept beside me and not on back of couch waiting for her man Now off to see my sewing machine, I Know she has missed me!
Need to put some pieces together, with peace..thinking blue scraps, wonder if I have any????lol Peace. Mac
. Went by this afternoon, and found out his white blood cell count is indicating an infection, so holding him another day. He was soft spoken and calm. Nurse said no pain meds all day.
It was nice to see him at peace, at last.
Well, must say I actually slept last night and beginning to feel like MAC again, slowly and surely. Feisty is also dong better, actually slept beside me and not on back of couch waiting for her man Now off to see my sewing machine, I Know she has missed me!
Need to put some pieces together, with peace..thinking blue scraps, wonder if I have any????lol Peace. Mac
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
First, amazing news: I am a great aunt..Felix Latham Crowder arrived this morning, weighing in at 7#6 oz and 20 inches. What a great joy! &nbp;Hears his nickname is to be scoop. When I look at this picture, it is great
>
Today, phone and I have been almost unseperatable....lots of calls, back and forth, with family in Texas..joy..and trying to insure all is in place to help PC has all details in place to make this most difficult situation as peaceful as possible.
Amazing, I even got a conference concerning legal matters, police consult, and information on medication disposal..which you may be interested is NOT easy, even when very bland generic, and they can NOT be put into trash or the water system....if you need help. Let me know, I have consulted with five "experts""today...
PC is appearing clearer, related to skin tone brighter and calmer. They have changed his medications. Spoke of phone, briefly to his son, was so much brighter after this call and hearing his voice!
Knows about pt and exercise soon before home. Still looks like Prince Charming, I peeked into room, but he did not see me. He seems to like attention and activity around him. In a ward with four other vets, three had their tv on....
Still have sitter around the clock, and now plan seems to stay at VA in a couple of more days, till pneumonia is more controlled, and then to rehab for a couple of weeks to see if he can gain any strength in his arms and legs.
So, til next I venture to scrap pile, and not just the one around me, I will wish you pieces and pieces and peace with peace. Mac
Amazing, I even got a conference concerning legal matters, police consult, and information on medication disposal..which you may be interested is NOT easy, even when very bland generic, and they can NOT be put into trash or the water system....if you need help. Let me know, I have consulted with five "experts""today...
PC is appearing clearer, related to skin tone brighter and calmer. They have changed his medications. Spoke of phone, briefly to his son, was so much brighter after this call and hearing his voice!
Knows about pt and exercise soon before home. Still looks like Prince Charming, I peeked into room, but he did not see me. He seems to like attention and activity around him. In a ward with four other vets, three had their tv on....
Still have sitter around the clock, and now plan seems to stay at VA in a couple of more days, till pneumonia is more controlled, and then to rehab for a couple of weeks to see if he can gain any strength in his arms and legs.
So, til next I venture to scrap pile, and not just the one around me, I will wish you pieces and pieces and peace with peace. Mac
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014. Day 7928
Well, it is just past midnight and I am awake, so much spinning in my brain tonight. I did a long meditation..travel to beautiful San Francisco Bay and watching the cars in the Golden Gate Brisge and the people walking the nearby park. Ok, before you think I have really lost it, I practice a type of meditation focusing of beautiful and familiar places of peace and tranquility. Actually fell asleep for awhile, thus my being awake now.
Have a long honest, I think, conversation with a person of great import to my PC. Amazing how two people can have such a difference of perceptions of the same event and situations. I pray that tonight helped with some emotional healing and feeling of mutual acceptance. Trust is not easy for me, especially in stressful situations, but I am trying to change!
Was blessed to have girlfriends come over Saturday night, one even spent the night, and all today. Another wanted to, but I felt like I needed to be alone with my meditation. Another went with me to see PC in hospital, which was a blessing.
Amazing, I like to help others, but somehow think I am supposed to be strong enough to handle things alone...from mom?, grandmother (Nannie), life experiences? Too much education? Anyway, it just does not work anymore and I am so blessed to have people who will come and just be with me. Even had an excellent dinner left in my front porch, just because.
I was so touched, I cried..which helped..been doing this a lot of that last few days, so sad, but not feeling as lonely..Thank you God.
Sunday also brought lots of emails, just girl stuff and made me feel so connected to my community,. Loved them! Thank you so much.
Abit nervous for tomorrow, but know that GOD is in control and if He can care for a sparrow, I definitely know HE will care and take care of me!
No piecing today, no scraps. But got some actually thrown out! Garage starting to look better!
Peace with no piecing today. Mac
PS: if not a quilter. To un sew means to remove stitches, generally with a seam ripper. HSTs are half square triangles, which produces horrid bias seams, my least favorite!
know
Well, it is just past midnight and I am awake, so much spinning in my brain tonight. I did a long meditation..travel to beautiful San Francisco Bay and watching the cars in the Golden Gate Brisge and the people walking the nearby park. Ok, before you think I have really lost it, I practice a type of meditation focusing of beautiful and familiar places of peace and tranquility. Actually fell asleep for awhile, thus my being awake now.
Have a long honest, I think, conversation with a person of great import to my PC. Amazing how two people can have such a difference of perceptions of the same event and situations. I pray that tonight helped with some emotional healing and feeling of mutual acceptance. Trust is not easy for me, especially in stressful situations, but I am trying to change!
Was blessed to have girlfriends come over Saturday night, one even spent the night, and all today. Another wanted to, but I felt like I needed to be alone with my meditation. Another went with me to see PC in hospital, which was a blessing.
Amazing, I like to help others, but somehow think I am supposed to be strong enough to handle things alone...from mom?, grandmother (Nannie), life experiences? Too much education? Anyway, it just does not work anymore and I am so blessed to have people who will come and just be with me. Even had an excellent dinner left in my front porch, just because.
I was so touched, I cried..which helped..been doing this a lot of that last few days, so sad, but not feeling as lonely..Thank you God.
Sunday also brought lots of emails, just girl stuff and made me feel so connected to my community,. Loved them! Thank you so much.
Abit nervous for tomorrow, but know that GOD is in control and if He can care for a sparrow, I definitely know HE will care and take care of me!
No piecing today, no scraps. But got some actually thrown out! Garage starting to look better!
Peace with no piecing today. Mac
PS: if not a quilter. To un sew means to remove stitches, generally with a seam ripper. HSTs are half square triangles, which produces horrid bias seams, my least favorite!
know
June 1,2014. Day 7927
PC admitted to VA hospital in St Pete, diagnosis is primarily CHF and pneumonia, has sitter with him round the clock, hopefully details will be forthcoming in a few days.
Pray the pieces bound and edged with love will hold, while the crooked, unraveling and in-sewn pieces find a way to work for the good of all.
Scrap quilting is, at times, a real challenge, and requires creativity to make a thing of beauty and uniqueness, and again, it can merely be an exercise in stitching over and over, expecting nothing but practice at patience and tolerance.
Now, how do you like that for psycho-babble. Feeling abit more like me tonight. Thanks to all my friends and family for their comfort and support. And peace prevail over bias sews!
Mac
PC admitted to VA hospital in St Pete, diagnosis is primarily CHF and pneumonia, has sitter with him round the clock, hopefully details will be forthcoming in a few days.
Pray the pieces bound and edged with love will hold, while the crooked, unraveling and in-sewn pieces find a way to work for the good of all.
Scrap quilting is, at times, a real challenge, and requires creativity to make a thing of beauty and uniqueness, and again, it can merely be an exercise in stitching over and over, expecting nothing but practice at patience and tolerance.
Now, how do you like that for psycho-babble. Feeling abit more like me tonight. Thanks to all my friends and family for their comfort and support. And peace prevail over bias sews!
Mac
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