Thursday, early morning, July 10, 2014
Happy birthday, PC, may you rest in peace and in the arms of our loving God and family that were waiting for you. Know that it empty here, without your amazing presence, and that your spirit and love lives on!
I shall visit your crypt tomorrow, but already know your spirit has departed. I just need to pray and talk some things over with your wisdom and gain from your wisdom. Please help me remain true to the promises made and are being kept thus far.. Some people do not understand your final wishes, and are atruggling with same, as you taught me....not my monkeys and nmy circus....so strange that that is a Polish proverb and now seems to be everywhere I look!
My life and energy was so intertwined with you, I feel every breathe and beating of our spirit in the house and in your things. I hold your favorite pillow just to feel closer to you, and it still has a faint smell of your presence.
I know you are protecting me and giving me the strength that appears to be holding me up, it sure isn't by my power alone! Some see me as weak, troubled, feeble, unable to think, and I feel you lifting me up to stand of my feet, life my shoulders high and just BE ME! Amazing. I'm not afraid anymore of somethings.. It I can manage through this, I believe I can do anything I know you would support..
Fragments starting to fit into some order, pieces and memories help bind the ragged edges and steam the wonky spots with tears and sunny Florida July humid weather. Know you are safe, without pain, and surrounded by love and peace. That helps me go on.
I await....and remember what you asked me, and shall always abide by these wishes. Time does not heal wounds, it allows scar tissue to hold the elements together, thereby allowing sanity and safety for all. My pieces await your smiling face!
As the business of all this is done, I am going to Houston for mom's 90th birthday. What a joy to celebrate with my family and meet Felix for the first time. You will be with me, and do not fear the flight, I will sit by the window!!! And hold your armrest as before.
Love you for all eternity..and beyond...
MacS
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Day by day, minute by minute
Of all the days since my PC went to join the other saints and angels, this has been the hardest for me. No clear reason. Moments of ok, then sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow this evening.
I am OK, no fear, I will survive this, just feel really empty and missing him.
Heard his voice a few times reminding me to take care of the dog, get the mail, etc.
Even made it to quilting group this afternoon. Thankfully, the group was small today and focused on organizing...which, if you know me, does make me happy!..so our room looks nicer.
Came home, and just cried, and cried. Feisty stuck right beside me, I need to do this, and I shall finish my mission in this lifetime.
I meditated, and the words of a verse from a hymn sung many years ago in the church of my youth kept surfacing, so here it is, gender-modified:
When she first began her warfare,
Many said, she will run away!
But they all have been mistaken,
For in the fight she is today!
I love Jesus, he is my saviour,
I love Jesus, yes I do!
I love Jesus, Hallelujah, all who love the Savior come!
Have not heard this in many years, just needed it today I guess.
Attempted to quilt some, but just could not..last things I made were the memory squares for his memorial. Must not be time yet.
Well, my pieces are soggy, yet my peace withstands, need to apply heavier starch in the morn to make it another day!
Macs
I am OK, no fear, I will survive this, just feel really empty and missing him.
Heard his voice a few times reminding me to take care of the dog, get the mail, etc.
Even made it to quilting group this afternoon. Thankfully, the group was small today and focused on organizing...which, if you know me, does make me happy!..so our room looks nicer.
Came home, and just cried, and cried. Feisty stuck right beside me, I need to do this, and I shall finish my mission in this lifetime.
I meditated, and the words of a verse from a hymn sung many years ago in the church of my youth kept surfacing, so here it is, gender-modified:
When she first began her warfare,
Many said, she will run away!
But they all have been mistaken,
For in the fight she is today!
I love Jesus, he is my saviour,
I love Jesus, yes I do!
I love Jesus, Hallelujah, all who love the Savior come!
Have not heard this in many years, just needed it today I guess.
Attempted to quilt some, but just could not..last things I made were the memory squares for his memorial. Must not be time yet.
Well, my pieces are soggy, yet my peace withstands, need to apply heavier starch in the morn to make it another day!
Macs
Monday, July 7, 2014
Trying to find the lost pieces
It has been a very emotional time, last week or days. Cannot even remember. Many details have just gotten lost somewhere in my tearful being. Heard long time ago, sometimes you just have to "act as if" and keep doing the next right thing.
Well, this is not always easy, I am so left handed, that many times going right is contrary to my understanding, having had to adjust my whole life, I am somewhat uncomfortably comfortable in the right world!
PC has found his pain free existence, I am left with the fond memories and trying to gather the strength to be as strong as everyone seems to think I am. People tell me I am doing well, but inside I still shake. The torn spot of connection to my PC is still sore and raw. The effort required to do simple things leaves me exhausted.
His internment and memorial service was planned according to his wishes. He wanted to be in sunny Florida, above the water line. That was done, and he wanted a separate memorial service, done. It incorporated elements at his request.. The Rose, Harbor Lights, Ave Maria, somehow it worked, as only Nikoli, PC, could have envisioned it.
I know he was there, sitting with me and his family, holding my shoulder and saying stop crying, I hate tears!!!!
This little house seems so empty now, no noise of his oxygen tank, no humming of air machines. The alarms in my iPad to administer his medications are still in place. Just can not let that go yet.
The stillness and quiet is both a solitude and reminder of the value of each second of life. I remember his last words to me, before he could no longer speak was a quiet "I love you".
Dear friends have surrounded me, comforted and held me, and understood when I just needed to be still and quiet..today, I decided it is time to be, just be.
Did managed to get dressed. Walked the dog multiple times, pulled a couple of weeds, and watched his favorite Judge Judy show. Now just going to meditate, and try to calm down. Even ate today, so as I would tell others, be proud of small accomplishments, so I am proud.
Help me find the strength to now do the busy work, the business of going on.
May your pieces not be lost to you, and may you find peace within.
Macs
Well, this is not always easy, I am so left handed, that many times going right is contrary to my understanding, having had to adjust my whole life, I am somewhat uncomfortably comfortable in the right world!
PC has found his pain free existence, I am left with the fond memories and trying to gather the strength to be as strong as everyone seems to think I am. People tell me I am doing well, but inside I still shake. The torn spot of connection to my PC is still sore and raw. The effort required to do simple things leaves me exhausted.
His internment and memorial service was planned according to his wishes. He wanted to be in sunny Florida, above the water line. That was done, and he wanted a separate memorial service, done. It incorporated elements at his request.. The Rose, Harbor Lights, Ave Maria, somehow it worked, as only Nikoli, PC, could have envisioned it.
I know he was there, sitting with me and his family, holding my shoulder and saying stop crying, I hate tears!!!!
This little house seems so empty now, no noise of his oxygen tank, no humming of air machines. The alarms in my iPad to administer his medications are still in place. Just can not let that go yet.
The stillness and quiet is both a solitude and reminder of the value of each second of life. I remember his last words to me, before he could no longer speak was a quiet "I love you".
Dear friends have surrounded me, comforted and held me, and understood when I just needed to be still and quiet..today, I decided it is time to be, just be.
Did managed to get dressed. Walked the dog multiple times, pulled a couple of weeds, and watched his favorite Judge Judy show. Now just going to meditate, and try to calm down. Even ate today, so as I would tell others, be proud of small accomplishments, so I am proud.
Help me find the strength to now do the busy work, the business of going on.
May your pieces not be lost to you, and may you find peace within.
Macs
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