It has been a very emotional time, last week or days. Cannot even remember. Many details have just gotten lost somewhere in my tearful being. Heard long time ago, sometimes you just have to "act as if" and keep doing the next right thing.
Well, this is not always easy, I am so left handed, that many times going right is contrary to my understanding, having had to adjust my whole life, I am somewhat uncomfortably comfortable in the right world!
PC has found his pain free existence, I am left with the fond memories and trying to gather the strength to be as strong as everyone seems to think I am. People tell me I am doing well, but inside I still shake. The torn spot of connection to my PC is still sore and raw. The effort required to do simple things leaves me exhausted.
His internment and memorial service was planned according to his wishes. He wanted to be in sunny Florida, above the water line. That was done, and he wanted a separate memorial service, done. It incorporated elements at his request.. The Rose, Harbor Lights, Ave Maria, somehow it worked, as only Nikoli, PC, could have envisioned it.
I know he was there, sitting with me and his family, holding my shoulder and saying stop crying, I hate tears!!!!
This little house seems so empty now, no noise of his oxygen tank, no humming of air machines. The alarms in my iPad to administer his medications are still in place. Just can not let that go yet.
The stillness and quiet is both a solitude and reminder of the value of each second of life. I remember his last words to me, before he could no longer speak was a quiet "I love you".
Dear friends have surrounded me, comforted and held me, and understood when I just needed to be still and quiet..today, I decided it is time to be, just be.
Did managed to get dressed. Walked the dog multiple times, pulled a couple of weeds, and watched his favorite Judge Judy show. Now just going to meditate, and try to calm down. Even ate today, so as I would tell others, be proud of small accomplishments, so I am proud.
Help me find the strength to now do the busy work, the business of going on.
May your pieces not be lost to you, and may you find peace within.
Macs
No comments:
Post a Comment